Was it all a dream?
Those valleys we forged together, the deep darknesses that clawed their way to the core of my being, scrounging for victory, only to be driven back by your brilliant light... again and again... We've come so far.
Did it really happen?
Here I find myself, staring at the blank faces of the brick walls I've erected... again.
God, will I never cease to shut you out, one way or another?!
I sense you calling me... arms outstretched, heart bursting and aching with love... cheeks shining with the evidence of your love...
and I sit, catatonic, unmindful.
Tears course down my face, too, but they're not tears of love, they're tears of brokenness.
How did I end up here again? I am not setting out to be unresponsive, I promise you I am not, but... I just don't know how to be anything else. I don't know, God- I just don't know how to do this! It's so hard. How do I do this? What does it even look like? What does it mean?
What is love, God? Why am I not changed by it? I want so badly to be renewed, to be transformed, to love and live radically... but why am I still the same?
I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of fighting for peace... so tired of trying to do it right. I don't know how. I just don't know how to do this.
So what do I do?
How do I open up? How do I let you in? God, I want to let you in... but it seems like every time I do... it doesn't stick. How do I mean it?
God... I'm broken by my inability to be broken. Does that make sense?
So here I am... tangled shards of good intentions. Do what you can... whatever that is.
I'm tired of building walls.
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