J called last night, so I got to talk to her and the family. It was so nice! I miss them... not overwhelmingly, like at times... just a general ache... like a toothache, but bigger.
We ended up talking about D (of course! I need someone that I can laugh and giggle with about it!), and I admitted something to her that I haven't been able to bring myself to say out loud yet. (Of course, then the whole family perked up- "What? Something important and secretive? Tell us!" and I had to repeat it so they could hear LOL)
Basically, I told her that I think I'm falling in love with the guy, and it scares the living daylights out of me. Why? Well, several contributing factors, I think...
1. It's only been a little over a month! I mean, I liked him before we started dating and all, but are you even allowed to think about this kind of thing so soon?! So that scares me... that I have these feelings for him, so soon... (and I know it's not just a physical attraction lol. As I'm getting to know him through our conversations, I'm just more and more... impressed with who he is, and how he thinks. I really admire him in a lot of ways... but it also makes me nervous that I haven't seen any negative character traits in him. Am I romanticizing, or airbrushing, or justifying, or is he really just that great?)
2. I'm afraid to love someone again, because last time I did, it was incredibly painful and difficult to part ways. I'm not certain of the future in any way, shape, or form, and if D isn't the one that I'm to marry, then I don't want these feelings to be here, because it will be painful to part if God asks us to. Granted, we don't have anywhere near the level of intimacy that C and I had, but it will still hurt.
3. What if it isn't mutual? I know that hurting me would be the last thing on earth that he would do intentionally, but what if he decides that this just isn't going to work for him? Then I'm left out in the cold with these dumb feelings!
4. He's not what I envisioned myself falling for. He has this history, and he's older, and he's not a colporteur or part of that culture AT ALL... He's not what I expected. (I feel like I must always "defend" him when people ask about him.
"So, tell me about this guy! How old is he?" That's almost always the first question. WHY?!
"Oh, he's in his thirties..." But only for one more year! lol
"Oh, really? So he's older, huh? Well, has he been married before or anything?"
"Actually, yes."
"...Oh. ...Really?"
And so on, so forth. Maybe I feel threatened? I don't know. But I hate that sense of surprised consternation that emanates from people when they find out these facts. I just want to straight out say, "Look, he's more than his age and his past. I made mistakes, too. I'm not holding his against him, and he's not holding mine against me, and God's forgiven us both. Can we please move past this?" Maybe I should.
I think it's because I want people's approval. I want them to be happy for me, and they kind of aren't. If he were my age, they would! But because he's older and has a sketchy past, they have these reservations, which, by the way, are totally understandable and legit.
This is the longest side note ever.)
And he's not what I expected. He surprises me in a lot of ways. I would never have pegged him for the "people person" that he is. I never would have thought he was so tender and thoughtful. However, he is every bit as rugged and resilient as I thought he was, and then some.
None of this is what I expected. I was terrified entering this relationship, to be sure... but I went into it with this unconscious set of expectations. I didn't expect him to be so encouraging and uplifting. I've always been the one that's done that in the past... GM was encouraging, but in a stronger, different way. I don't feel like I'm being "fixed" with D. I didn't expect him to care about my thoughts and feelings as much- as in, liking to hear me talk about my day and my reactions to it, or my opinions on matters. I didn't expect him to, well, kinda cherish me... I don't know if that's the right word, but that's the sense I get. I didn't expect him to enjoy my personality.
I didn't expect to enjoy and look forward to our conversations this much. I didn't expect him to be concerned when I'm not feeling well, and to be okay with my food and health limitations. I didn't expect to laugh together this much. I didn't expect to miss him this much. I didn't expect to have so much in common... I thought we would be so strikingly different... and we are, in ways. But we're so similar in a lot of funny, little ways, in addition to bigger, more important ways.
I didn't expect him to believe in me and my potential. I didn't expect that I would grow to respect him this much. I didn't expect that I would have to hold myself back from saying so many things that I would like to, for the sake of both our hearts... for the sake of the relationship. I didn't expect that he would look forward to communicating with my family.
I didn't expect that I would feel this way... especially so soon. My internal panic alarms are going off... Mayday! Mayday!
I don't trust myself to love him, if that makes sense. It's not that I'm not capable of love, because I love the S's, and I love my family, and I love H (both of them!), and I love... lots of people. That's why I so long to be back home. But those loves don't require me to weigh whether or not it's wise. I'm supposed to love them! But with D... I don't trust myself to love him unselfishly. I don't trust myself to figure out what's really love and what's just infatuation. I'm scared of that, too. I'm afraid that it's just infatuation and I'm not really falling in love with him. I'm afraid that I'll be completely twitterpated, run off and marry him, and then wake up one day to realize it was a mistake. That's what I'm afraid of, really. Because falling in love precedes marriage, and what if we shouldn't be married? What if it's a mistake?
Ahhhh! I'm so glad he can't see all this. If only he knew what he was doing to my braiiiiin!
Anyway... I think he might call tonight. That'd be grand.
(That's another thing I didn't expect- for us to develop these little traditions, such as him being the one that calls me. Always. With very few exceptions.)
We ended up talking about D (of course! I need someone that I can laugh and giggle with about it!), and I admitted something to her that I haven't been able to bring myself to say out loud yet. (Of course, then the whole family perked up- "What? Something important and secretive? Tell us!" and I had to repeat it so they could hear LOL)
Basically, I told her that I think I'm falling in love with the guy, and it scares the living daylights out of me. Why? Well, several contributing factors, I think...
1. It's only been a little over a month! I mean, I liked him before we started dating and all, but are you even allowed to think about this kind of thing so soon?! So that scares me... that I have these feelings for him, so soon... (and I know it's not just a physical attraction lol. As I'm getting to know him through our conversations, I'm just more and more... impressed with who he is, and how he thinks. I really admire him in a lot of ways... but it also makes me nervous that I haven't seen any negative character traits in him. Am I romanticizing, or airbrushing, or justifying, or is he really just that great?)
2. I'm afraid to love someone again, because last time I did, it was incredibly painful and difficult to part ways. I'm not certain of the future in any way, shape, or form, and if D isn't the one that I'm to marry, then I don't want these feelings to be here, because it will be painful to part if God asks us to. Granted, we don't have anywhere near the level of intimacy that C and I had, but it will still hurt.
3. What if it isn't mutual? I know that hurting me would be the last thing on earth that he would do intentionally, but what if he decides that this just isn't going to work for him? Then I'm left out in the cold with these dumb feelings!
4. He's not what I envisioned myself falling for. He has this history, and he's older, and he's not a colporteur or part of that culture AT ALL... He's not what I expected. (I feel like I must always "defend" him when people ask about him.
"So, tell me about this guy! How old is he?" That's almost always the first question. WHY?!
"Oh, he's in his thirties..." But only for one more year! lol
"Oh, really? So he's older, huh? Well, has he been married before or anything?"
"Actually, yes."
"...Oh. ...Really?"
And so on, so forth. Maybe I feel threatened? I don't know. But I hate that sense of surprised consternation that emanates from people when they find out these facts. I just want to straight out say, "Look, he's more than his age and his past. I made mistakes, too. I'm not holding his against him, and he's not holding mine against me, and God's forgiven us both. Can we please move past this?" Maybe I should.
I think it's because I want people's approval. I want them to be happy for me, and they kind of aren't. If he were my age, they would! But because he's older and has a sketchy past, they have these reservations, which, by the way, are totally understandable and legit.
This is the longest side note ever.)
And he's not what I expected. He surprises me in a lot of ways. I would never have pegged him for the "people person" that he is. I never would have thought he was so tender and thoughtful. However, he is every bit as rugged and resilient as I thought he was, and then some.
None of this is what I expected. I was terrified entering this relationship, to be sure... but I went into it with this unconscious set of expectations. I didn't expect him to be so encouraging and uplifting. I've always been the one that's done that in the past... GM was encouraging, but in a stronger, different way. I don't feel like I'm being "fixed" with D. I didn't expect him to care about my thoughts and feelings as much- as in, liking to hear me talk about my day and my reactions to it, or my opinions on matters. I didn't expect him to, well, kinda cherish me... I don't know if that's the right word, but that's the sense I get. I didn't expect him to enjoy my personality.
I didn't expect to enjoy and look forward to our conversations this much. I didn't expect him to be concerned when I'm not feeling well, and to be okay with my food and health limitations. I didn't expect to laugh together this much. I didn't expect to miss him this much. I didn't expect to have so much in common... I thought we would be so strikingly different... and we are, in ways. But we're so similar in a lot of funny, little ways, in addition to bigger, more important ways.
I didn't expect him to believe in me and my potential. I didn't expect that I would grow to respect him this much. I didn't expect that I would have to hold myself back from saying so many things that I would like to, for the sake of both our hearts... for the sake of the relationship. I didn't expect that he would look forward to communicating with my family.
I didn't expect that I would feel this way... especially so soon. My internal panic alarms are going off... Mayday! Mayday!
I don't trust myself to love him, if that makes sense. It's not that I'm not capable of love, because I love the S's, and I love my family, and I love H (both of them!), and I love... lots of people. That's why I so long to be back home. But those loves don't require me to weigh whether or not it's wise. I'm supposed to love them! But with D... I don't trust myself to love him unselfishly. I don't trust myself to figure out what's really love and what's just infatuation. I'm scared of that, too. I'm afraid that it's just infatuation and I'm not really falling in love with him. I'm afraid that I'll be completely twitterpated, run off and marry him, and then wake up one day to realize it was a mistake. That's what I'm afraid of, really. Because falling in love precedes marriage, and what if we shouldn't be married? What if it's a mistake?
Ahhhh! I'm so glad he can't see all this. If only he knew what he was doing to my braiiiiin!
Anyway... I think he might call tonight. That'd be grand.
(That's another thing I didn't expect- for us to develop these little traditions, such as him being the one that calls me. Always. With very few exceptions.)
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