Disappointment

D and I are having problems. Rather, I should say that I’m having a problem with D. He just doesn’t know about it yet. I’m going to talk to him about it next time we talk, because I want to address it so it doesn’t turn into resentment in my heart.

We haven’t talked in several days. That’s not the problem. I know that our lives don’t revolve around each other, and I survived 23 years without talking to him on the phone once. Not talking on the phone is not the issue.

The issue I’m having is that, 3 days in a row, he’s said he was going to call... and then he didn’t. (Actually, I have to amend that. He called last night, but after I was asleep and my phone was off... even though I told him I was going to bed at nine. Maybe he was thinking Alaska time? I dunno.)

See, he’s working again. That’s wonderful, and I’m happy for him. He’s remodeling a house, and they’re working crazy hours. Again, that’s not the problem. I miss being able to talk to him whenever I want, but it’s okay. I’m glad he’s working, and I know he is, too. 

But it’s the fact that he said he was going to call, and then didn’t. I really look forward to our conversations, especially right now when the days are long and I’m rather isolated, and I look forward to conversations with those back home. Talking with him is fun, it’s relaxing, and it helps me to refocus and sort of recharge for the next day. Since he said he was going to call, I began anticipating the phone call... only to be let down. It’s happened a few times before, when he didn’t have service. It’s understandable. But to have that let-down several days in a row... it’s painful. I don’t like it. If he doesn’t think he’ll be able to call, I’d rather he not say anything.

And now, I find myself all skeptical. He left me a voicemail, saying he’s working crazy hours and all, and that he’d call today. I found myself thinking, Yeah, sure. I’ve heard that one before. I don’t like that!

Of course, there’s some hurt mingled in with the disappointment... I know he has good reasons. I know he does, and that’s why I feel so dumb for feeling this way. But there’s a fraction of me that feels, You’re not very important to him. When he’s got nothing to do, sure he’ll call you. But when there’s stuff to be done, you take the back seat. You’re not a priority. Because, when he says he’s going to be calling, I make space in my schedule for that. Our phone calls are important to me. But there are other conversations I could have had, people I could have connected with, if I had just known that he wasn’t actually going to call!

*sigh*

I’m glad I’m processing through this now, so that I don’t jump down his throat about this or anything. No attacking. I need to communicate how I feel, is all.

And you know what? My reaction would be the same if any of the people in my life close to me did this. At first, I was scared that I was overreacting... then I thought about how I would feel and react if it were various people... and my reaction is the same. Good to know that it’s just a “me” thing and not a “relationship” thing, if that makes sense.