The Love Wall

It occurs to me that I have a hard time accepting affirmation and love.

No, make that a VERY hard time!

The last few days have been... almost an overload for me. I had that interview on tv, and then I was the first act at the talent show (no pressure, though! lol), and today I attended the Beautiful You event that a local church puts on every year.

The comments I've gotten, the "You did SO good on tv the other day!", the approval, the "You have a voice like an angel!/You did GREAT last night!"... it should be something I savor, but I'm finding it all is just crashing over me like a pleasant wave.

I don't know how to process and absorb it, although I want to. I feel like I've been deficient in a mineral, and my body doesn't know how to absorb it when it comes along, so I'm slowly starving. I want to take this in, to fold it down and tuck it away inside me to nourish myself, to sustain me for days of hunger to come... but I don't know how. All I can do is smile, nod, and say, "Thank you."

What else can you say?

And then, today, at Beautiful You... so many ladies came with the approving comments, and some even remembered me from like a year ago when I told some of my story and sang You Are More. The whole event is about spoiling us ladies who come-- showing us that we are beautiful! There were several stations- nails, haircuts, hairdos, makeup, jewelry, shoes, clothes, food, etc. There were even several ladies walking around with arms loaded with purses, encouraging me to take some.

I was truly in a daze. As soon as I walked in, I felt I do not belong here. If it weren't for E, I would have turned tail and run. But she led me over to a station, all the while introducing me and showing me off ("She was on tv the other day!" etc.), and sat me down to have my makeup done. The purse ladies came by and encouraged me, "Pick out two! Yes, take two!" I sat with my new purses, with a girl I don't even know doing my makeup (and doing a good job of it!), with all these wonderful things and loving volunteers around, I almost started crying.

I don't understand... Why are you doing this for me? You don't even know me! I don't deserve this... why are you doing this for me?


I almost cried several times. Well, I actually did cry during the message.

I mean... these ladies gave me purses, clothes, jewelry, laughter, a haircut and style, they prayed over me...

And I didn't do anything for them.

I'm just... overwhelmed. I don't get it.

Well, C and his bro D are here to go hiking with me. I'll try to process this more later.

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