Still fighting

So I thought I was depression free. Why do I always think that?

Like, Yeah! These herbs are helping! I mean, I've been "down", but I'm not mired in the darkness like usual. I think I finally found "it"!

Meanwhile, my symptoms have been getting more and more pronounced as I continue on the downward slide... but no, if I deny it, it's not happening!

Think happy thoughts. Life is great, life is grand. I can handle this. I can do it. I. AM. NOT. DEPRESSED. ANYMORE.

It's still mild. Just pronounced fatigue and apathy, overwhelming lack of appetite and/or nausea. I mean... it's not darkness... but it's shadows. And I don't wanna go there anymore.

This is what these outrageously expensive natural remedies are supposed to help with!

I'm seriously, seriously getting to the point where I think that natural remedies only work if you "believe" in them... and even if you do, it's still spotty.  Yeah, you hear all these fantastic stories about natural stuff doing miracles for people, but it's always "someone else", isn't it? Just like accidents, or cancer, or really bad stuff always happens to "someone else", so does natural healing, I think.

Maybe I'm just immune. Wouldn't that be awful? Charcoal never worked for me. Wait, I take that back. It did help me throw up one time, I think. It was either the charcoal or the kombucha.

And hydrotherapy broke my bronchitis fever towards the end of SOULS. And hot water bottles really help my stomach when I'm hurting. And flushing my sinuses with salt water really, really helps when I've got a sinus infection going on.

So, yeah. I can't say that natural stuff doesn't entirely work, but I am becoming quite dubious and skeptical. Great words coming from the employee of an herb store, huh? ;)

I've been toying with the idea of going on that prescription antidepressant my doctor gave me... if nothing but to break the cycle. But the potential side effects are awful! I mean, do I really want to chance it? I start counseling in two weeks... surely I can just hang on until then...

But if I keep going down (and today was an indicator that I am, though I'm going to FIGHT it!), then my productivity as an employee and as a person is going to be seriously compromised...

Maybe I ought to just do it. For two weeks. See what happens.

Ugh. I don't know. I just don't know.

I wonder what Jesus would do. Seriously.

Then again... Jesus wasn't depressed all that often... and his depression was for a "purpose".


You know, I think about how Jesus understands everything that we go through (according to the book of Hebrews), and I understand that he was horribly, horribly depressed in the garden of Gethsemane, and when he was on the cross dying. (It's funny, because a few times I've been so depressed that I simply can't speak, and when I read that Jesus didn't really say anything during his trial, I thought to myself, It's 'cause he was so depressed! I understand that! I've totally been there.)

However, the thing is that, though he was so horrifically depressed... he got to die. I have to keep living, carrying on, and somehow function and be "normal". So I know he "gets it", but maybe not in its entirety.

God, what exactly am I supposed to do?

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