Today didn't start off so auspiciously.
First, I took issue with God over something I read during my daily quiet time. It just brought up a lot of questions... not to mention the questions I had over something I read last night in the Desire of Ages.
Then, I forgot to brush my teeth... for the second day in a row. I headed off to church and realized when I got there that I had forgotten my Bible! (That was about the time I realized I forgot to brush my teeth, too.)
It was a lovely Resurrection celebration service, with lots of singing. I appreciated that part. But I left frustrated, as I found myself simply having more questions about the character of God and Jesus. The very things meant to soothe and inspire instead leave me wondering and detached.
Like, for instance, "God sent his son to die for each person. Every person. Isn't that wonderful? How many of you would be willing to sacrifice the life of your child for someone else?"
And I immediately think, a.) If I weren't aware of the fact that Jesus is basically an extension of God, then I would deduce that we weren't worth coming down here for himself-- he sent someone else because he didn't want to/couldn't do it himself. b.) I know it's supposed to increase my appreciation of the value of the gift by understanding that it is given to every single person ever, but it seems to me that it is cheapened. Maybe that's one of the paradoxes.
I finished The Case for a Creator this afternoon. In the Summary section, he tells a story of this young medical doctor and his wife who are skeptics, but finally decide to look into this God thing and disprove it once and for all.
This segment really got me, because it echoes exactly the questions that I've been finding within myself.
"Based on evidence and reasoning independent of the Bible, they were able to answer the first of the three questions that formed the basis of their investigation: 'Is there a God who created the universe?' They surprised themselves with their verdict: yes, a personal Creator-God does exist.
With this established, they began exploring their next two broad questions: 'Did God reveal himself to humankind through the Bible or other sacred scriptures? And is Jesus the Son of God--deity united with humanity--and can he help us as he claimed?'"
(By the way, spoiler: they do come to believe in the Bible and in Jesus. At the time of interviewing, the doctor is into his 70's, and has spent the last several decades in Bangladesh spreading medical help and the gospel.)
I am to the point where I can in no way deny the existence of a Creator-God. I am becoming less and less interested in organized religion, although I can see how that one has been developing over the past several years. I really just want this:
"You'll soon find that the universe is governed by both physical laws and spiritual laws. The physical laws point us toward the Creator; the spiritual laws tell us how we can know him personally, both today and forever.
After all, he's not just the Creator in a broad sense; he's your creator. You were made to relate to him in a vibrant, dynamic, and intimate way. And if you seek him wholeheartedly, he promises to provide all the clues you need to find him." (emphasis mine)
I mean, is Christianity really supposed to be this hard? This confusing? This much like a field riddled with land mines?
Is it just that I have such a hard time trusting?
Is it a combination of the inherent difficulty of Christianity and the scar tissue that's gnarled and twisted my heart and mind?
Because I have heard over and over again how becoming a follower of Christ changes your life, and makes you a better person, and your character is transformed, etc. etc.
Why do I seem to be getting worse the longer I follow him? It's not for lack of trying!
This reminds me of the whole natural remedies thing. I can see that it's good, and it's the right way to go, but I seem to just be pretty immune. It doesn't work like they say it should, like it's supposed to, and I wonder, Is it me? Or is the "remedy"?
God, help me. I'm just so... mush brained. Confused. Questioning. Seeking.
I want to know truth. Real truth. And I want to have that vibrant, dynamic, intimate knowledge of and relationship with you.
Help me, please. I just want... the real thing.
First, I took issue with God over something I read during my daily quiet time. It just brought up a lot of questions... not to mention the questions I had over something I read last night in the Desire of Ages.
Then, I forgot to brush my teeth... for the second day in a row. I headed off to church and realized when I got there that I had forgotten my Bible! (That was about the time I realized I forgot to brush my teeth, too.)
It was a lovely Resurrection celebration service, with lots of singing. I appreciated that part. But I left frustrated, as I found myself simply having more questions about the character of God and Jesus. The very things meant to soothe and inspire instead leave me wondering and detached.
Like, for instance, "God sent his son to die for each person. Every person. Isn't that wonderful? How many of you would be willing to sacrifice the life of your child for someone else?"
And I immediately think, a.) If I weren't aware of the fact that Jesus is basically an extension of God, then I would deduce that we weren't worth coming down here for himself-- he sent someone else because he didn't want to/couldn't do it himself. b.) I know it's supposed to increase my appreciation of the value of the gift by understanding that it is given to every single person ever, but it seems to me that it is cheapened. Maybe that's one of the paradoxes.
I finished The Case for a Creator this afternoon. In the Summary section, he tells a story of this young medical doctor and his wife who are skeptics, but finally decide to look into this God thing and disprove it once and for all.
This segment really got me, because it echoes exactly the questions that I've been finding within myself.
"Based on evidence and reasoning independent of the Bible, they were able to answer the first of the three questions that formed the basis of their investigation: 'Is there a God who created the universe?' They surprised themselves with their verdict: yes, a personal Creator-God does exist.
With this established, they began exploring their next two broad questions: 'Did God reveal himself to humankind through the Bible or other sacred scriptures? And is Jesus the Son of God--deity united with humanity--and can he help us as he claimed?'"
(By the way, spoiler: they do come to believe in the Bible and in Jesus. At the time of interviewing, the doctor is into his 70's, and has spent the last several decades in Bangladesh spreading medical help and the gospel.)
I am to the point where I can in no way deny the existence of a Creator-God. I am becoming less and less interested in organized religion, although I can see how that one has been developing over the past several years. I really just want this:
"You'll soon find that the universe is governed by both physical laws and spiritual laws. The physical laws point us toward the Creator; the spiritual laws tell us how we can know him personally, both today and forever.
After all, he's not just the Creator in a broad sense; he's your creator. You were made to relate to him in a vibrant, dynamic, and intimate way. And if you seek him wholeheartedly, he promises to provide all the clues you need to find him." (emphasis mine)
I mean, is Christianity really supposed to be this hard? This confusing? This much like a field riddled with land mines?
Is it just that I have such a hard time trusting?
Is it a combination of the inherent difficulty of Christianity and the scar tissue that's gnarled and twisted my heart and mind?
Because I have heard over and over again how becoming a follower of Christ changes your life, and makes you a better person, and your character is transformed, etc. etc.
Why do I seem to be getting worse the longer I follow him? It's not for lack of trying!
This reminds me of the whole natural remedies thing. I can see that it's good, and it's the right way to go, but I seem to just be pretty immune. It doesn't work like they say it should, like it's supposed to, and I wonder, Is it me? Or is the "remedy"?
God, help me. I'm just so... mush brained. Confused. Questioning. Seeking.
I want to know truth. Real truth. And I want to have that vibrant, dynamic, intimate knowledge of and relationship with you.
Help me, please. I just want... the real thing.
0 thoughts: