Last night's thoughts



It is strange, I must admit, to be back in a place that is as familiar to you as your own breath... yet to know that you have become somehow different. Like a poignantly sweet memory laced with the tang of change, it lingers on the soul’s tongue-- evasive yet oh so real.
I’m back in “my” bedroom, but there are boxes tucked in various nooks instead of the odds and ends I once had strategically strewn across various surfaces. The girl in the dim oval mirror looks similar to the one that once slept in this bed, but her hair is longer, her shorts are shorter, her eyes slightly dimmed with fatigue.
The clunky, reliable house phone I held to my ear moments ago gives utterance to a voice never heard in this home before, a different voice than the one hoped for so desperately a scant year ago.
This family--my family-- is also the same, yet different. For one thing, I love them with a more distant love, if that makes sense. Yes, we’re family now, but they’re not my family. They are, and yet they aren’t. A while ago, I wouldn’t have owned to that. No, they are dear. There is no mistaking that. But they are their own family unit, with their own troubles and joys and atmosphere and daily living procedures. C was right--it was time for me to move on. Had I remained, I would have stagnated, and brought about tension and dissension in the home that I love so much. It was time.
The changes in K are fairly obvious, though I can see the changes in J, too. She seems more... real? Relatable? More like a young person, like someone to hang out with, and less... stuffy? Prim and proper and so very mature? Not that it’s a bad thing, by any stretch of the imagination! But she’s loosening up, and while I don’t know whether to take that as a good or a bad thing, I’m enjoying it. When I first met her, I was struck with how mature and responsible she was, and that kind of carried over and through all her interactions and ways of dealing with life and people. That has remained--she’s still so responsible, it puts me to shame! But now she says things like “epic”, and she goes to Renaissance festivals, and she hangs out with people her age for fun, and... it’s just pleasant to see. She’s less like a Mom and more like a peer. (She’s gonna make a great mom, though. That’s for sure.)
And with K... it’s interesting, because I know her changes and new choices have really brought tension into the family, but... I almost feel like they’re expecting me to join in their disapproval, and I just can’t. I can’t, because I read what she writes and I understand. I totally get it, I feel much of the same way, and I just... get it. To disapprove of her would be to disapprove of myself and the choices that I’m making. I’ve been trying so hard to get away from putting myself in the judgment seat, the one that says “Well, at least I’m better than ______,” and I find myself unable to do that with K anymore. I can’t judge her like I used to. I can no longer feel smug about being “better”, because, truthfully, I’m not. I suppose that’s a good thing.
Okay, granted, we’re not alike in every aspect. I know that I have more maturity and wisdom and the ability to just plain think through things, but that’s partially due to inherent gifts that I have no control over, and partially due to a life experience that I wouldn’t wish on her anyway. However, I am more open and teachable, I think. I think. I can’t say for sure.
Anyway, it’s just a little strange, to be hearing how her actions are negatively affecting the family, but to identify so strongly with her, in a way I never have before... kind of puts me in an odd position.
I enjoyed spending time with the C’s. They’ve changed in some ways, too. I mean, kids grow up, as always. M has changed the most drastically, I think. He grew out his hair, stopped singing, plays contemporary style on his guitar, and eats voraciously. (Oh, wait... I think he always ate voraciously!) But he’s becoming a young man, maturing from the boy that I used to know. It’s rather exciting to watch, honestly.
The girls are still quite similar, though less rambunctious and “clingy”. They’re more independent. That’s good, because I barely had enough energy to keep up with the family as it was, after that drive!
I appreciate the atmosphere of that home so much. I always come away refreshed and inspired. I really do think it’s possible to be a good parent, after spending time with J and her kids.
I registered for classes today. That means it’s official and legit. I’m going to school in Y. Though I’ve only been gone a few days, I’m eager to get back home to C. Not anxious, but I’m looking forward to it. It’s nice having someone to miss, quite frankly. I’m looking forward to house hunting together, and setting up a household.
He’s planning a surprise for me, apparently. It involves several other people, but that’s all he would say. Do I dare hope... for a proposal?? It very well might be, now that we’ve gone through pre-marital counseling, and now that I’m not moving away for a year. (He called me tonight, and I was glad to hear from him. I’d wanted to talk to him, but whenever. It’s nice to know that he wanted to talk to me, too. He says he’ll call again in a few days.)
I got him a little trinket while I was up north with the C’s-- a tiny steel-cut model airplane for him to put together. M got one, too, but his was the Black Pearl, and it came out really neat, so I think I made a good choice.
I need sleep. More time to blog later. Suffice to say that I’m happy to be “home”, and so looking forward to spending time with loved ones.
Oh, and Juneaux is doing fine. Still a lover, and still remembers me. *sigh* I love my son.
P.S.-- My broken AC/heater apparently fixed itself while my car was parked. It was working as I drove away down south. Strange much? Maybe... prayer does work?

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