Longing

I don't even know how to begin to unload all that is going on within my mind...

I am still on this journey with God, but I wish that I could reach some conclusions... I feel so off kilter, not belonging to "the church" anymore... because I don't have that formula to follow anymore, that outline of who I ought to be and how I ought to behave... It's scary, trying to be a good person without the confines and dictates of expectations or rules to bind you. What if you're not doing it right?

I guess I'm just longing today. I'm longing for blessed assurance... I'm longing for the knowledge that I will make it through life okay...

...but as I look at the past, and I realize that this world is waist-deep in crap and horrible things, and that God won't necessarily save us physically from those awful things...

...I am frightened. I have no assurance that I'll be okay, for disaster looms around every corner.

At least before I had the ability to glibly gloss over latent tragedy with the sovereignty of God. How I wish I could believe that He would or could make everything okay...

...but I know that's not the truth, it's not reality, it's not how things happen...

Otherwise D wouldn't be dying of cancer.

And the HJ wouldn't even exist.

I wouldn't live across the street from a hospital.

Am I just longing for heaven? Am I yearning for the fulfillment of a promise that I don't even entirely trust?

Maybe LC was right. We connect the physical world and the spirit world way too often.

God did not protect me physically, that much is abundantly clear.

But he did protect my spirit, in some magical way, or I would not be the wonderfully strong woman that I am today. I don't understand how I came through that hell so unscathed... except that maybe God did protect me.

Was I reading the wrong definition into the promise of protection? Maybe God won't protect us physically--and blast you, Psalms, for leading me astray in that regards!--but maybe he will protect our spirits.

I don't know. I'll have to look into this more, think about this more...

But I do know that I don't want to give up, although it's tempting.

I got confirmation when I was in ID from L. Don't give up--you'll find the answers someday. I think it was from God, that message.

I'm still not feeling the whole "love" thing, though... and I think that's what I'm longing for, today. I want to feel God's love for me.

Sometimes, all I see is indifference.

Heck, who am I trying to kid? Most of the time. And I don't want that to be the true picture.



I can see you lost your way
It’s just easier to hide
But He sees inside your soul
Where your past cannot define

You’ve been heading down this road
And you don’t know who you are
But He knows what’s in your thoughts
And He feels what’s in your heart

You could run ’til you can’t find home
Sail ’til you can’t see land
There is no place you could go
You could fall ’til you’re out of hope
Chase things that never last
You could never run too far
Love will find you where you are

So you’re feeling all alone
But you are never out of sight
There is healing in His arms
There is mercy in His eyes

No height, no depth could ever separate us
From the power of His great love

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