Bitching and moaning

I had some great things happen to me yesterday, of which I will speak later, but for now I'm going to bitch and moan briefly. Why?

Because the fibro (and whatever else I've got) life sucks.

Because...
 I feel crappy and the past week has been crappier feeling than usual.

I've spiraled down even further and I don't know if this kind of crappy is gonna be my new normal like how I keep hoping that each new downward spiral isn't my new normal but it turns out that it is.

I am having a difficult time practicing for my performance for the Vigil because of my hand and arm problems, and that bothers me on so many levels. I like to be prepared. And I like being able to use my hands and arms for stuff.

I really just want to take a bunch of pain killers and not feel crappy anymore but I can't cause I'm so damn responsible and I refuse to abuse my pain killers again.

I've figured out an analogy for how I feel: it's like a very bad flu (lethargy, fatigue, nausea, headache, blurred vision, tender skin, weak, shaky, achy), and then it's like your entire body has the worst period cramps you've ever felt, all at the same time.

It's so hard to try to live a normal life day after day. It wears you out.

I truly resent and then feel bad for resenting those whose biggest health problems are the cold they caught once this year.

I dragged myself to group tonight, to be there for the girls. (I often question whether I'm really needed there when there are other facilitators, but I realize that I'm the young, happily married one that pressed charges against her abuser recently. I fill a vital role.) I claimed the couch for myself, and as I settled in wincingly and groaningly E announced to the girls that I was feeling sick today but that I would be better soon. Doesn't she know any better? She, of all people, knows that I'm not going to be feeling better soon. Pessimistic? Possibly. More realistic than anything else. Just looking at patterns. It contributed to my foul mood in a way that I don't quite understand.

I am filling up the tub for my second hour-long-epsom-salt-super-hot-soak-to-try-to-bear-the-pain today.

I've taken more pain killers than prescribed today, but only when I felt the pain rushing and rising in the familiar way that tells me that it will soon be at a 10. It goes from 6 or 7 (where I'm at with pain killers) to 10 so quickly... within minutes. I have to act fast to have any hope of catching it at a catchable place. I would have tried to wait out the 6 hours between pills like yesterday if it weren't the same pain and same levels as yesterday, which had me contemplating the emergency room on the verge of tears while I waited out those 6 hours. And I had work today. Not happening. Totally incapacitated.

I came home and yelled and slammed stuff while I made a bowl of oatmeal and scared the cats. Oops.

I spent most of the day lying on the floor of my craft room on a heating pad. I spent most of yesterday lying face first on my bed with my hands above my head because it was the only position that didn't bring tears to my eyes.

I hate this part of my life.

I have to get up at butt-thirty tomorrow morning to speak to the military leaders about domestic violence, and I'm nervous.

I'm breaking up with my rheumatologist tomorrow, and I'm nervous.

Okay. Rant over. I'm going to soak in this lovely lavender scented tub and finish watching the Avengers and play with my pumpkin kitty that is goofing off next to the tub. (She has SO many funny quirks! One of them is she can't stand to be separated from me, especially while I'm in the bathroom, and especially while I'm in the tub. She hangs out with me the whole time and either naps or play-fights the rugs in between peering over the edge of the tub and asking for head rubs.)

Life's not all bad. Just sometimes my frustration quotient hits max capacity and I have to blow off some annoyed steam. I do feel better now, actually. Got the negative out so that I can focus on the positive.

Thank you, blog. You're always here for me :)