Today is definitely a rest day. I've been napping up a storm the past week or so, especially since I had that really rough day without the meds. I've spent the last few days trying to recover from that, but I pushed it too hard and went down yesterday. The awards ceremony really took it out of me, and yesterday when I met up with E for a lunch meeting followed by work, I almost passed out in the restaurant. I was soooo sick.. apparently I went whiter than a sheet, and I barely made it out the front doors to the car. I had to leave my car there while she drove me home, and needless to say we didn't get to work that day. (No paycheck this week. Bummer.) She called me today, worried like crazy, but I assured her that I am alright. Apparently she had a panic attack on the way home, she was so worried, and she was talking about it with her husband (who adores me like I'm one of his own, and I totally love him too). Poor E. I did just what she said and rested as soon as I got home, though. I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling pretty lame after sleeping a few hours, and I've done the same today. Just woke up from another 4 or 5 hour nap. Sleep is nice. It keeps me from hurting while I'm doing it lol. Also, I haven't been sleeping well due to nightmares and increased pain at night, so I often wake up after a few hours, stay up with C until he goes to sleep, then crash out again with him. It's nice to be able to spend so much time with him, though!

I sincerely hope that this passing out thing is just a fluke, a product of overextending myself and using up all of my resources, rather than a new symptom come to torment me. I've been struggling with lightheadedness and fatigue for some time now, but this is new... and really, really unpleasant. Truth be told, it's terrifying. I'm scared to leave my house now. What if it happens while I'm driving? While I'm out and about on my own? Bad enough that I never know when a twitching fit is going to strike, but now this? I'm scared that it's a sign that my body has taken another step on the road to breaking down. Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, but dysautonomia was the first thing that came to mind. Of course. lol. But then, how can you not be a hypochondriac of sorts when you don't know exactly what's wrong with you and you've got a whole buffet of symptoms at your disposal that could point to a bagillion things? Yep. You just roll with it and keep your fears to yourself... and then spill them onto your blog. Heh.

I broached the topic of guilt with E while we were driving home yesterday. She put me in my place for even daring to compare her sickness and mine, vehemently stating that she deals with a different illness with different symptoms and she has to take care of herself in different ways. She said there was nothing to apologize for when I told her that I was sorry I couldn't work and that I was sick, and she told me not to ever apologize for that again. I love that woman. I explained to her my guilt about her working so much and being so sick, yet I can't/don't/won't. She just shook her head and said that she has to see the HJ grow. I brought up my theory about that being what she has to do to survive, but it's not me.. and she kinda agreed. Like, the HJ is her baby. In the big picture, she has to see it grow and flourish. It is necessary to her personal well being, even if that means putting up with sickness in the meantime. I want to see it grow and flourish, too, but it's just not the same. And so she has to hid her sickness in a way that I don't have to, because she's being watched by certain people and agencies in the community and they will strike at any perceived weakness. One thing I do know, though, is that she would be far sicker without me. I help her a ton, and we help support one another. We hold each other up. So my guilt is alleviated. We both survive on our own terms, and mine isn't wrong... just different.

On a happier note, J officially booked the ticket that will take me to her family's home so we can spend Christmas together! Bwaaaaaaah! I'm so excited. We haven't seen each other since... since... like, spring of 2012. It's been a year and a half, abouts. Far too long. But distance cannot separate the hearts of true roommates! Haha. Anyway, her parents are being super generous and buying me a ticket to fly out there, then she and her mom and I will drive back to Y and drop me off before they continue north to see J's uncle and J flies back home. I still am having a hard time absorbing the reality of this. I mean... that is so incredibly generous and kind of Uncle S and Auntie C. I just... wow. Wow. Like, what did I do to deserve this? Makin' their daughter happy, probably. lol.

Coraline has become quite brave and comes into C's man cave with no trepidation, rubbing up against C's computer chair and accepting petting from him. This, from the cat that fled to the other end of the house at eye contact with him just a week and a half ago. It's because she and I bonded well, she trusts me, and so when I "lured" her into C's room while he was in there she trusted that it was ok. After the initial exploration of trepidation, she's a bold little bugger. Her favorite new toys are a pink eraser and a white board eraser. She plays with those things with such ferocity and focus... it's adorable! I am keeping both kitties inside today, though, especially Coraline the black. People do sick things to cats on Halloween, especially black cats. I'm sad to say that this is the case, but you just work with the reality you've got.

I made a tentative friend through an online forum, and C and I are going to meet her for the first time tomorrow. I've been looking for female friends in my community, since most of the friends I have are guys, and all of my good girlfriends are eons away. I'm lonely for ladies. However, it's not like I can "get out" and make friends, so I am cautiously trying the internet. Taking C with me is a good precaution, I feel. I have a good sense for creepers and so does C, so if anything's off the odds are that we'll notice. Plus we're meeting in a public place, so that's much safer. I hope it pans out! As much as I'm an introvert, I do miss having friends over just to chill now and then. I kinda wish I was well enough to do something for Halloween. I miss dressing up, mostly because it's fun and I love the theatric, but also because of the social aspect. If I were feeling ok, I might even try a bar this year, just to see what all the fuss is about. Not like I can drink anyway. But eh... I'm going to keep the porch light off, ignore the knocks. We didn't buy any candy, and I do not have the energy to get up and down answering the door every few minutes. I wish that I had The Nightmare Before Christmas to watch, though. I love that movie... C hates it. He and his brother are both super freaked out by claymation. Funny fear, right? Anyway, today's the perfect day to watch, especially with C at work. It's a family favorite. I have so very many pleasant memories associated with that movie... very nostalgic. I like nostalgia.

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