Goodbye, Chemo Princess

So there's a lot of shiznit going down right now. Health problems, per the usual. I'm a bit concerned as to why my bones are so tender and why they burn. I don't think that's exactly a normal thing. My skin is pulling that "burning" trick to, and I don't like it, not to mention the chest pains and the random arm/leg/hand/foot numbness that's been hitting me. And the dizziness. That too.

Every time I take another plunge downward I comfort myself with the hopes that maybe this is just a temporary flare and I'm going to bounce back out of it and retain the level of "health" that I had a day/week/month ago. I think it's time to stop deluding myself. I've taken another very large step towards being completely disabled (yay pain!), and it's not gonna reverse itself without some medical intervention. Yes, still trying to figure all that out… I hope I don't end up a vegetable before that happens. My mom thinks I ought to be screened for various kinds of cancer. I can't say that I disagree with her.

Speaking of cancer… my friend is dying. My friend, the Chemo Princess, has been battling cancer for the past four years and is now going into hospice care. This is the woman that inspired me with the strength I needed to accept the newfound reality of being a fibromite somewhere over a year and a half ago. She is the one that has inspired me to find the beauty still abundant in my life and to sparkle, shine, and fight tooth and nail through these health problems. She's just so… uniquely herself. I've always been in awe of that aspect of her. I mean, I've known her since I was a kid. It was her wedding photos that made me want to get married in a meadow, which she and her husband did… in garb, I might add. He's a really cool, quirky guy too; an artist. He and his junk/jug band, Deep Fried Pickle Project, have sung some really funny songs. My favorite is "Don't Drink The Juice At The Bottom Of The Pickle Jar".

Anyway, it's just a hard reality to know that someone so awesome, who has contributed so much light, love, and joy into the world will soon be silenced. Like, really? Here we go again with that "why do bad things happen to good people" thing. It just pisses me off that such a wonderful woman and family are soon to be torn apart-- and have suffered so much already!-- and scum like G are sitting safe and sound with nary a problem. (Well, being in prison is probably a problem for him, but he totally deserves that one.)

Ugh. I have to go to sleep. I was trying to wait until the pain killer kicked in, but I really just need to sleep. I've got a doctor's appointment in a few hours, and C is coming with me since he has to run some errands anyway. Tomorrow, if I'm up to it, I plan to try to contact the right people to get a disability claim going. Almost 26, and filing for disability. What a life, eh?

Nah, it's good, it's good… I like being alive. I like it even more when I think of my dying friend, and wonder what she wouldn't give to have more time with her family. It's thinking of stuff like that that makes it so hard for me to end it on my terms. Like, there are people out there that would give anything for more time… so how can I throw mine away? It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right.