Rolled out of bed this morning bright and early (like, 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal!) and guess what? I haven't had to take a pain killer yet.

I mean sure, I don't feel like jumping up and doing a table dance, but it has literally been months since I did not need to take a pain killer upon rising.

Today looks to be a very long and busy day for me, so I'm grateful for the gift of diminished pain.

I know that I'll be taking one later, of course. I can feel the pain levels rising the longer I'm awake, which is normal (tongue in cheek), but, still... Almost an hour awake with no tramadol? Whoopee!!

I've got a free massage in 20 minutes that I must go get dressed for :)

Side notes: I wonder if my falling pain levels of the past few days are due to the increase in gabapentin?  Or possibly Savella?

Also, yesterday I was out and about without my walker! There was pain, and at times I almost wished that I had it, but I made it the whole day without :)

I think the frequent massages are contributing to the pain levels falling, as well.

Update: Yes, well, *ahem*... I was rather pain-free! Unfortunately, I did overdo it a little during yoga... Okay, maybe more than a little... But I was trying to be aware and be good to myself! I really was. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized I had done much too much in the realm of movement and exertion. Alas.

So I did end up taking a pain killer, and I busted out the walker. (Which, by the way, was noticed and commented upon by a stranger in a positive manner! We had a fun little conversation. She was very empathetic, not because she personally knows someone with a chronic illness, but because she went to medical school.) Howeverrrrr... it is now 9 p.m., and I've only taken one tramadol today! Whooooeeeee!

Okay, see, here's the deal... I tend to black-and-white generalize things, especially myself. Example? When I had gotten to 6 hours between pain killers, I assumed that was my new norm. When I had to go back to 3 or 4 hours, I was tempted to be devastated. I had failed. I had broken down and ruined my positive forward progress. But you know what today showed me? Every single day is unique. I can't expect that just because I didn't need a pain killer this morning I won't need one tomorrow. I cannot, cannot, cannot say what tomorrow will be like, so I just gotta take it as it is and roll with it.

Mindfulness. Being present here and now. One moment at a time.

And today, when I realized I'd overdone it? I was overwhelmed with disappointment in myself, initially. I really was so disappointed that I'd now need a painkiller, because I had intended to go the whole day, if possible, without one.

But I stopped and talked to myself kindly, and basically I chose to celebrate the success of having made it that far in the day without a painkiller or the walker, rather than dwelling on the "failure".

It's kinda funny, too, how my mind works... this morning, feeling pretty good, I began to worry if my feeling better somehow negated my past sufferings. Like... was I ever really sick? Was it all in my head after all? Because I feel good, sooooo... maybe it doesn't count? Maybe I was exaggerating?

Yeah, no.

I still can't hit the ground running at a thousand miles an hour.

It does make me wonder, though, what life will be like as I continue to heal and find balance... I know I don't have to worry about it until I get there, but I'm wondering about coping with the dichotomy of "good one day, bad another", you know? I mean, I know I've been there before with my guts and all, but this is a whole new monkey to wrestle.

I am too black and white, all or nothing. I know this. If I feel good, I should always feel good. If I feel bad, I'll always feel bad. Any break the pattern is cause for alarm! lol

I'm going to go cut out hearts for the wedding, now. The flower boy will be tossing 8 bit hearts instead of flower petals, and then he'll hand C a laminated 8 bit heart that says, "Marry me?" (I'm including that because, since C proposed, I frequently ask him to marry me. He always says yes. ^_^)

(See? 'Cause we're nerds, and I love Legend of Zelda.)

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