Roommate S and I went job-hunting today.

I've had this strange change of heart lately, and I'm not sure whether it's because I've been praying or not, but...

I feel more prepared to take this step, less overwhelmed. Like, up to the challenge, or something.

If there's one thing that I thank D for, it's for helping me to view challenges as a good thing, as something to be embraced. He didn't do that intentionally, I don't think, but in his reservations and hesitations I found a challenge, an opportunity to prove myself to be something better than that which was thought of me. You think I can't tramp through the forests and eat fish? Well, watch this! You think I can't hike? Watch me!

And I feel like that now. The difference is that it's a challenge to myself. I've been paralyzed by my fear for so long, telling myself that I can't do it, that I'm doomed to failure (and proving myself right), yet now I'm feeling somehow stronger. Like I want to try, at least try.

I do have concerns, hesitations... but not the paralyzing fear.

For one, I'm concerned that I won't be able to physically handle it. I know how sensitive my body is to stress, and though I don't typically like to admit it, I am physically compromised by my thyroid and adrenal problems. I simply cannot run full throttle for as long as others can, except by sheer effort of the will, and it takes more out of me than it does for others. This is a handicap, to be true, and it's something I need to be aware of... but I don't want to make it my excuse, you know?

The affirmation I drew out of the Magic Box this Weds said this: "Sometimes it's the things you can't do that bring out the brilliance in what you can!"

Think about it. Who are the people we admire most? Those who persevere against incredible odds. I can be a legend, in my own right ;)

I'm also concerned that I won't get to see C hardly at all once I start work and school and all that. The only reason I get to see him now is because I stay up late, but once I'm working, that'll have to stop. We'll end up like ships in the night, I'm afraid...

And, worst of all, I'm afraid that I'll be amazing and this'll work great, and then I'll be left to silently curse myself for waiting so long to move forward... and then I'll have to be a grownup. Where's the fun in that? I mean, providing for yourself is so overrated... (If only my sarcasm could be transmitted electronically.)

This is it, guys. I'm afraid of a prosperous, fulfilling life. I've been eking out an existence for so long, I'm scared of doing anything else. As ambitious as my heart is, the fear of failure is always greater and more compelling. I'm afraid to be happy, to be satisfied and content with where I am and where life, and God, have brought me.

I want to be the one that did something hard, something difficult, something challenging... not so that I can show it to others and be like, "See? I did it. You should be able to, too. What's wrong with you that you can't? If you really wanted to, you could." No, I want to do something challenging so that I can say to myself, "See? You really can do so much more than you believe. You're amazing. You're capable. And you don't have to be afraid."

0 thoughts:

Post a Comment