Excerpt from an e-mail

I do, very much, want to be my own person... for me. Not a reflection or a compilation of other people, anymore. Not a collage of different characters I've read about and admire. Not the inflexible, smiling mask of the Bible worker. I want to be myself. (It kind of reminds me of when I made the switch from "Cassie" to "Cassandra". I really had to make a completely new transition in order to establish myself as "Cassandra", because everyone who knew me before couldn't get past the "Cassie". I feel like I had to completely make a new transition in order to begin establishing myself as "me", rather than "the bible worker" or "Christian Cassandra" or whatever other ideas people have of me. It's still difficult, because here in Y, I am confronted with two whole churches that watched me grow up and think that I'm "Christian Cassie". They have no idea... and I don't really want them to know. I don't want to break their hearts. Just like my upcoming visit to I... I don't really want you guys up there to know... because it's easier that way. But then, I'm back to just pretending to make other people happy. *sigh* It's difficult, this unraveling.)