The last two nights have been... interesting. Interesting in the bad way. Actually, make that this whole weekend-- none of my nights have been good! The days have been okay, I guess...
Friday:
I begin house-sitting and dog-sitting for some friends of mine. That's all well and good. I like their dogs, their dogs like me. It was good to get away somewhere else, because C was busy playing Diablo 3 (I know, sounds awful, right? I don't care for it, even if the player is the forces of good putting an end to the powers of hell that are taking over the world.), and I need something productive to do other than dishes for a change.
Friday night, the guys had a LAN party-- first Diablo 3, then a DnD break, then some sort of tactical outer space game (like OGame) that I don't know the name of. I didn't particularly care to hang around and watch, because LAN parties bore the snot out of me, but J conveniently stepped in with an invitation to come over to her place and watch a chick flick. I took her up on the invitation (felt a little strange to be doing it on Fri. night!), and it was good.
When I came home to go to bed, however, C was playing that tactical outer space game, and since his apartment is small, his computer desk is right next to the bed. That means that the flashing lights and background music and his brother coming in to ask questions and the guys all hollering back and forth were right there in my sphere of consciousness. I plugged in my headphones and turned on my favorite playlist, but I still got awful sleep, and I was very cranky the next morning.
Sabbath:
I had special music, but because of the terrible sleep I had the night before, I overslept by an hour and didn't get to practice/warm up like I had wanted, so I ended up performing cold. I feel like I totally biffed it, but no one had ever heard the song before, so they had no clue that's not what it was supposed to sound like, and they thoroughly enjoyed it. I felt pretty ill during church, went home and laid down immediately. C was still awake when I got home (!), but he came to bed soon after, and I got a nice nap in and felt much better. He was still sleeping a few hours later, naturally, so I left to go take care of the dogs again and spend some quality time by myself. I don't keep Sabbath the way I used to, but I've realized over the past few weeks that I miss it. There's still something special about it, and I want to go back to it. It'll be a bit different, I think, but I'm sure as heck not gonna spend my Sabbaths sitting around and watching the guys play video games!!
Thankfully, my friend has a rather peaceful back yard, so I sat out there with the dogs for a while, read some of my Gifts of Imperfection book, and listened to the birds. It was soothing, and what I needed. Spent the rest of the Sabbath hours reading the Horse Called Mayonnaise series. (I still love those books so much...)
I slept at the house I was sitting, on the couch, and got a good night's rest.
Sunday:
Uneventful. Picked up some more stuff from my grandparent's house (which I find funny and partially annoying because I know that, in a week or so, I'm just going to be hauling it all back over there again! *sigh* Living between two places can be frustrating.) Cleaned up the apartment. (It just tickles me how much C appreciates it when he comes home to a clean place, because the last thing he wants to do when he gets off of work is to clean.) Read some more of my library books. Tried going to a contemporary church service in the eve. but it was canceled due to the holiday weekend.
I'm making good progress on my "God" books, too. I was reading way too many at first, so I've had to pace myself so I don't get confused or just plain forget what I'm learning. Right now I'm working through Is The Bible Real?, and I'm about halfway through that one, doing a half-chapter to a chapter a day. I'm learning a lot, and my perspective is changing. After this one, I'm going to tackle the hermeneutics and exegesis one, and then... any one of the other 5 or 6 books I've got waiting in my stack.
After work, C and I took the dogs for a walk, and that was wonderful. I asked him about houses, and we got to look at the houses we were passing and say what we liked and what we didn't like, etc. It was pretty cool. Then, back at the friend's house, I took him into the backyard to show him a particular kind of flower that I want to grow, snailflowers. Since the backyard is about the size that he is going to be looking for, he paced it off and showed me just how he's going to set it up, and I can just see it. It's going to be a beautiful sanctuary of peace. That's where I'll be spending my Sabbaths in the years to come. (He's going to build a fish-pond with a neat little waterfall-pump system and flower beds around it--the flowers being my domain, of course ^_^-- and I'll get about a quarter of the yard for my herb/vegetable garden, and the walls will be grown over with bougainvillea and snailflower so you can't even see the brick/cinderblock. We'll probably have a tree, a big pine, for the kids to climb, and he'll have a shed off in the corner. Over the pond, he wants to put a mesh/mosquito net type thing to control the bug population and keep stuff from falling into the pond, and he wants to grow some vines up around the insides of it. I get to have a portable fire pit/fire table and chairs that we'll stash in the shed when the season is not right. Somewhere, I'll be growing jasmine-- probably twining around the porch posts.
The front yard, to save maintenance, will be green rock, and I'm going to press for some ornamental grasses or succulents or something. He also wants a tree, so the kids have something to climb. I wanted paloverde because it will look real nice with the green rock, but it's got thorns, so C's not thrilled with the idea. However, if we get a tree in the backyard... then maybe I'll get my paloverde in front? I just love around April when they bloom out with those gorgeous little yellow blossoms.)
Sunday night, however, was awful. Went to bed later than I should have, but I had this horrible, horrible nightmare that woke me up on the verge of screaming. Had I stayed asleep much longer, I would have started yelling and woken myself up, like I did the week before. I had this awful and heavy, sick, disgusting, gross feeling slithering and swirling around in my gut. I just felt so... horrified. Disgusted. Repulsed. Fearful. It was unspeakable revulsion and horror mixed with raw fear, and I just felt sick.
I had to go let the dogs out, though, so I scouted around for my keys, and... they were lost. I put them somewhere unusual after coming back from walking the dogs, and I couldn't find them. Ordinarily, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I had all these horrible emotions that were panicking me and I just had to get out and I couldn't and I was trapped because I couldn't find my keys and... finally, I did find them, after about 10 minutes of searching.
Monday:
It was early Monday morning that I had the bad dream and went to go take care of the dogs, but I managed to fall asleep again. I didn't feel well at all after getting up for the day, though, so I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I did emerge at one point to take care of the dogs a final time, and clean my friend's house so it would be tidy for her when she got home. I also went to the grocery store to get some english muffins and applesauce after seducing C for money, but I felt pretty ill and hurried home. (Just kidding. I didn't seduce C. He offered, and I picked him up some Sprite while I was out anyway.) I just haven't felt right since I fasted on Friday. I think I unwittingly compromised myself and my health :(
C's really been making it a point to engage with me before, and even during, his computer game sessions. He took to heart what I shared about my feelings re:feeling ignored and lonely (what I posted the other day). I love that man. He tries so hard for me :)
I am wondering if my feeling sick doesn't relate somehow to the intense negative emotions brought up this past weekend and also from the dream? So I was rather out of sorts yesterday, but doing okay, I thought, until I started getting ready for bed.
Then I saw it.
The acne has come back.
It's just in formative stages right now, mind you, but it's coming back.
And I basically lost it. (Such a simple, silly thing... lol) It's just... I've had this problem for so many years. At least 10, probably closer to 12. And finally, finally, I had clear skin! But it didn't even last for a year. Why? Because of the frickin' natural medicine lady. "You can't be on antibiotics while you work here." So I quit the meds. (Same lady that told me I wouldn't have a job if I started taking anti-depressants, who denied my depression in the first place! Ugh... I could go off on that... but I won't.) And I was fine... for a few months. Slowly but surely, it's been coming back. And then they tell me, "All you need is a colon cleanse. It'll take care of that."
Okay, sure. I trust you. I trust natural medicine. Why not?
So I do the colon cleanse... and it hurts. And it makes my acne worse. W. T. F?!
And now it's not just the increasing but still semi-isolated pustule here and there... it's a genuine breakout.
It's just... frustrating. Like everything that seems to be good, everything that I trust... ends up shafting me in the end. It doesn't work. It never works. Good job prospect? Just kidding! Hell on earth! Haha, you naive child! Natural medicine? The illusion of hope!
It makes me nervous, and very, very bitter. Why trust anything that seems to be good? I'm just going to get screwed.
It makes me afraid to trust this relationship, because, well... it's good. Too good. It's going to self-destruct sometime, and it's going to hurt like it does when I long for a father, only more. It's going to hurt like all the bad things I've ever encountered within myself, and it will swallow me whole, because this is one thing that I really believe in, and if this is proven to be a lie... then what else do I have?
And the thought that I need those antibiotics to have the clear skin that so many people take for granted... just re-emphasizes my brokenness.
My body doesn't work right, so I need pills for that. My skin doesn't work right, so I need pills for that. My brain... doesn't work right, so I need pills for that. I'm just one giant, broken mess.
I went outside to mourn, and a mockingbird was in the tree just a few feet away. When it heard me crying, it started singing, and eventually, the song overcame my grief. (Mind you, this is, like, 12:30 a.m. Midnight birds. We used to have some that lived in the trees at my and C's first apartment.)
I went to go lay down again, my back to C, knowing he wouldn't notice me crying because he was focused on the computer screen, and those horrible feelings from the nightmare began to surface again. I hate that game, and I hate being anywhere near it. I couldn't just lay there, so I grabbed a blanket and a pillow and headed back out to the porch to sleep. I don't know why, but I thought that if I could sleep under the song of the mockingbird, I would be safe.
After a while, C noticed that I was missing, and came looking for me. Poor guy. The look on his face when he saw me lying on the ground was... I dunno. He wants to understand, and I know he doesn't really, but I know he's there for me. He got me to tell him what was going on, got me to come back inside, and was really concerned. He just... cares. I appreciate that so much. Even if he does think I'm a little crazy. When I told him that I still maintain that he'd be better off with someone else, or without me, he responded, "We both know that's not true! I mean, I wish you didn't have freakouts, but I know that you do, and I'm ready to deal with them."
He tried getting me to sing the "I Feel Pretty" song from A West Side Story. I didn't, but it made me laugh :) (Especially because he started dancing around and singing it! LOL)
It's scary to love someone so much, to start to depend on them... because I'm still tensed for the day or the moment when it's snatched from me.
I fell asleep in his arms, though, and that's a wonderful thing.
Tuesday:
I don't know what tonight will bring, but the day hasn't been that great. I'm still feeling pretty gross, and very, very irritated and overwhelmed and just... like one giant, pulsating nerve. I've finally just locked myself in the dark bedroom with my favorite, most soothing playlist and my blog, and I feel better now. I also forced myself to make a list of things I need to get done, break it up into days, and get two out of my four things done for today. (I began overwhelming myself with thoughts of all I needed to do again, but my counselor's advice to break it up and not try to do everything in one day is really helping. When I feel like I have to do it all, I freeze up and don't do any of it.)
On second thought... maybe today has been good. I did some things that I needed to do. I'm giving myself what I need-- quiet, dark, space, expression... I'm going to go to group tonight. Just because today doesn't look like my "golden ideal shining standard of what a perfect day ought to entail" doesn't mean that it's not a good day, and I'm not doing the right thing.
...Right?
Friday:
I begin house-sitting and dog-sitting for some friends of mine. That's all well and good. I like their dogs, their dogs like me. It was good to get away somewhere else, because C was busy playing Diablo 3 (I know, sounds awful, right? I don't care for it, even if the player is the forces of good putting an end to the powers of hell that are taking over the world.), and I need something productive to do other than dishes for a change.
Friday night, the guys had a LAN party-- first Diablo 3, then a DnD break, then some sort of tactical outer space game (like OGame) that I don't know the name of. I didn't particularly care to hang around and watch, because LAN parties bore the snot out of me, but J conveniently stepped in with an invitation to come over to her place and watch a chick flick. I took her up on the invitation (felt a little strange to be doing it on Fri. night!), and it was good.
When I came home to go to bed, however, C was playing that tactical outer space game, and since his apartment is small, his computer desk is right next to the bed. That means that the flashing lights and background music and his brother coming in to ask questions and the guys all hollering back and forth were right there in my sphere of consciousness. I plugged in my headphones and turned on my favorite playlist, but I still got awful sleep, and I was very cranky the next morning.
Sabbath:
I had special music, but because of the terrible sleep I had the night before, I overslept by an hour and didn't get to practice/warm up like I had wanted, so I ended up performing cold. I feel like I totally biffed it, but no one had ever heard the song before, so they had no clue that's not what it was supposed to sound like, and they thoroughly enjoyed it. I felt pretty ill during church, went home and laid down immediately. C was still awake when I got home (!), but he came to bed soon after, and I got a nice nap in and felt much better. He was still sleeping a few hours later, naturally, so I left to go take care of the dogs again and spend some quality time by myself. I don't keep Sabbath the way I used to, but I've realized over the past few weeks that I miss it. There's still something special about it, and I want to go back to it. It'll be a bit different, I think, but I'm sure as heck not gonna spend my Sabbaths sitting around and watching the guys play video games!!
Thankfully, my friend has a rather peaceful back yard, so I sat out there with the dogs for a while, read some of my Gifts of Imperfection book, and listened to the birds. It was soothing, and what I needed. Spent the rest of the Sabbath hours reading the Horse Called Mayonnaise series. (I still love those books so much...)
I slept at the house I was sitting, on the couch, and got a good night's rest.
Sunday:
Uneventful. Picked up some more stuff from my grandparent's house (which I find funny and partially annoying because I know that, in a week or so, I'm just going to be hauling it all back over there again! *sigh* Living between two places can be frustrating.) Cleaned up the apartment. (It just tickles me how much C appreciates it when he comes home to a clean place, because the last thing he wants to do when he gets off of work is to clean.) Read some more of my library books. Tried going to a contemporary church service in the eve. but it was canceled due to the holiday weekend.
I'm making good progress on my "God" books, too. I was reading way too many at first, so I've had to pace myself so I don't get confused or just plain forget what I'm learning. Right now I'm working through Is The Bible Real?, and I'm about halfway through that one, doing a half-chapter to a chapter a day. I'm learning a lot, and my perspective is changing. After this one, I'm going to tackle the hermeneutics and exegesis one, and then... any one of the other 5 or 6 books I've got waiting in my stack.
After work, C and I took the dogs for a walk, and that was wonderful. I asked him about houses, and we got to look at the houses we were passing and say what we liked and what we didn't like, etc. It was pretty cool. Then, back at the friend's house, I took him into the backyard to show him a particular kind of flower that I want to grow, snailflowers. Since the backyard is about the size that he is going to be looking for, he paced it off and showed me just how he's going to set it up, and I can just see it. It's going to be a beautiful sanctuary of peace. That's where I'll be spending my Sabbaths in the years to come. (He's going to build a fish-pond with a neat little waterfall-pump system and flower beds around it--the flowers being my domain, of course ^_^-- and I'll get about a quarter of the yard for my herb/vegetable garden, and the walls will be grown over with bougainvillea and snailflower so you can't even see the brick/cinderblock. We'll probably have a tree, a big pine, for the kids to climb, and he'll have a shed off in the corner. Over the pond, he wants to put a mesh/mosquito net type thing to control the bug population and keep stuff from falling into the pond, and he wants to grow some vines up around the insides of it. I get to have a portable fire pit/fire table and chairs that we'll stash in the shed when the season is not right. Somewhere, I'll be growing jasmine-- probably twining around the porch posts.
The front yard, to save maintenance, will be green rock, and I'm going to press for some ornamental grasses or succulents or something. He also wants a tree, so the kids have something to climb. I wanted paloverde because it will look real nice with the green rock, but it's got thorns, so C's not thrilled with the idea. However, if we get a tree in the backyard... then maybe I'll get my paloverde in front? I just love around April when they bloom out with those gorgeous little yellow blossoms.)
Sunday night, however, was awful. Went to bed later than I should have, but I had this horrible, horrible nightmare that woke me up on the verge of screaming. Had I stayed asleep much longer, I would have started yelling and woken myself up, like I did the week before. I had this awful and heavy, sick, disgusting, gross feeling slithering and swirling around in my gut. I just felt so... horrified. Disgusted. Repulsed. Fearful. It was unspeakable revulsion and horror mixed with raw fear, and I just felt sick.
I had to go let the dogs out, though, so I scouted around for my keys, and... they were lost. I put them somewhere unusual after coming back from walking the dogs, and I couldn't find them. Ordinarily, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I had all these horrible emotions that were panicking me and I just had to get out and I couldn't and I was trapped because I couldn't find my keys and... finally, I did find them, after about 10 minutes of searching.
Monday:
It was early Monday morning that I had the bad dream and went to go take care of the dogs, but I managed to fall asleep again. I didn't feel well at all after getting up for the day, though, so I pretty much stayed in bed all day. I did emerge at one point to take care of the dogs a final time, and clean my friend's house so it would be tidy for her when she got home. I also went to the grocery store to get some english muffins and applesauce after seducing C for money, but I felt pretty ill and hurried home. (Just kidding. I didn't seduce C. He offered, and I picked him up some Sprite while I was out anyway.) I just haven't felt right since I fasted on Friday. I think I unwittingly compromised myself and my health :(
C's really been making it a point to engage with me before, and even during, his computer game sessions. He took to heart what I shared about my feelings re:feeling ignored and lonely (what I posted the other day). I love that man. He tries so hard for me :)
I am wondering if my feeling sick doesn't relate somehow to the intense negative emotions brought up this past weekend and also from the dream? So I was rather out of sorts yesterday, but doing okay, I thought, until I started getting ready for bed.
Then I saw it.
The acne has come back.
It's just in formative stages right now, mind you, but it's coming back.
And I basically lost it. (Such a simple, silly thing... lol) It's just... I've had this problem for so many years. At least 10, probably closer to 12. And finally, finally, I had clear skin! But it didn't even last for a year. Why? Because of the frickin' natural medicine lady. "You can't be on antibiotics while you work here." So I quit the meds. (Same lady that told me I wouldn't have a job if I started taking anti-depressants, who denied my depression in the first place! Ugh... I could go off on that... but I won't.) And I was fine... for a few months. Slowly but surely, it's been coming back. And then they tell me, "All you need is a colon cleanse. It'll take care of that."
Okay, sure. I trust you. I trust natural medicine. Why not?
So I do the colon cleanse... and it hurts. And it makes my acne worse. W. T. F?!
And now it's not just the increasing but still semi-isolated pustule here and there... it's a genuine breakout.
It's just... frustrating. Like everything that seems to be good, everything that I trust... ends up shafting me in the end. It doesn't work. It never works. Good job prospect? Just kidding! Hell on earth! Haha, you naive child! Natural medicine? The illusion of hope!
It makes me nervous, and very, very bitter. Why trust anything that seems to be good? I'm just going to get screwed.
It makes me afraid to trust this relationship, because, well... it's good. Too good. It's going to self-destruct sometime, and it's going to hurt like it does when I long for a father, only more. It's going to hurt like all the bad things I've ever encountered within myself, and it will swallow me whole, because this is one thing that I really believe in, and if this is proven to be a lie... then what else do I have?
And the thought that I need those antibiotics to have the clear skin that so many people take for granted... just re-emphasizes my brokenness.
My body doesn't work right, so I need pills for that. My skin doesn't work right, so I need pills for that. My brain... doesn't work right, so I need pills for that. I'm just one giant, broken mess.
I went outside to mourn, and a mockingbird was in the tree just a few feet away. When it heard me crying, it started singing, and eventually, the song overcame my grief. (Mind you, this is, like, 12:30 a.m. Midnight birds. We used to have some that lived in the trees at my and C's first apartment.)
I went to go lay down again, my back to C, knowing he wouldn't notice me crying because he was focused on the computer screen, and those horrible feelings from the nightmare began to surface again. I hate that game, and I hate being anywhere near it. I couldn't just lay there, so I grabbed a blanket and a pillow and headed back out to the porch to sleep. I don't know why, but I thought that if I could sleep under the song of the mockingbird, I would be safe.
After a while, C noticed that I was missing, and came looking for me. Poor guy. The look on his face when he saw me lying on the ground was... I dunno. He wants to understand, and I know he doesn't really, but I know he's there for me. He got me to tell him what was going on, got me to come back inside, and was really concerned. He just... cares. I appreciate that so much. Even if he does think I'm a little crazy. When I told him that I still maintain that he'd be better off with someone else, or without me, he responded, "We both know that's not true! I mean, I wish you didn't have freakouts, but I know that you do, and I'm ready to deal with them."
He tried getting me to sing the "I Feel Pretty" song from A West Side Story. I didn't, but it made me laugh :) (Especially because he started dancing around and singing it! LOL)
It's scary to love someone so much, to start to depend on them... because I'm still tensed for the day or the moment when it's snatched from me.
I fell asleep in his arms, though, and that's a wonderful thing.
Tuesday:
I don't know what tonight will bring, but the day hasn't been that great. I'm still feeling pretty gross, and very, very irritated and overwhelmed and just... like one giant, pulsating nerve. I've finally just locked myself in the dark bedroom with my favorite, most soothing playlist and my blog, and I feel better now. I also forced myself to make a list of things I need to get done, break it up into days, and get two out of my four things done for today. (I began overwhelming myself with thoughts of all I needed to do again, but my counselor's advice to break it up and not try to do everything in one day is really helping. When I feel like I have to do it all, I freeze up and don't do any of it.)
On second thought... maybe today has been good. I did some things that I needed to do. I'm giving myself what I need-- quiet, dark, space, expression... I'm going to go to group tonight. Just because today doesn't look like my "golden ideal shining standard of what a perfect day ought to entail" doesn't mean that it's not a good day, and I'm not doing the right thing.
...Right?
0 thoughts: