I've had a few interesting, philosophical-like contributions to my thought process so far today. (I would say "this morning", because it is morning for me-- I've taken to staying up with C and waking up when he does for work--but, it's... not. It's 2:30 p.m. What a slacker! lol)
I was talking to Mom about how I'm afraid of making a decision because it seems like this past year, fully half or more of my decisions have lead to pretty awful situations for me. Summer camp was something I prayed about and thought about like crazy, and it ended up being a veritable hell. However, the drive out to WI was a great decision. Choosing to come to Y was a good decision, also, I think. However, working at the herb store was significantly less enjoyable than I had anticipated. (But I DID appreciate the income.)
Mom pointed out, however, that working at camp may not have been a bad thing. I did find out rather quickly that I can't work around foods I'm allergic to, and if I had not known that, I might be taking a food-service job now and slowly poisoning myself, wondering why I'm always so sick. Now, it would be my livelihood. Then, it was just summer camp--not a big deal if I left. (Well, I don't think she knows that camp was supposed to be my livelihood! lol) She says that she's found that sometimes the most awful things come around full circle and keep us from experiencing something drawn out and/or even more terrible. I agree with that. ("So," I said, "it's almost like there are no mistakes." "Exactly!" she agreed. "There's even a verse in Romans that points that out.")
Talking to C about the decision I have to make within the next few days, I told him I was stressing because I don't want to make the wrong choice. He looked at me with amused amazement and asserted boldly, "What wrong choice? There is no wrong choice."
"Yes, there is," I insisted. "Either way, the course of my life is going to be changed significantly. Your life is supposed to take a certain path, and you have to make the choices that will keep you on that path."
"No. Life isn't supposed to be anything. It's what you make it. There is no wrong choice, there is simply a choice."
Oh.
I think they have a point.
I mean, philosophically or theologically or whatever, it may not be totally refined and correct. But the base theory is almost revolutionary to me. I'm always so concerned with whether I'm doing the "right thing" or not, making the "right choice" so that I will be the "right person". (I thought I was trying to buck that?!)
What if the two choices are not "right or wrong", but equally right? What if it simply comes down to... which path do I want to take?
It seems the doors to Option 2 have suddenly flung wide, while Option 1 quietly wilts into itself, further estranged by the reassertion of my initial hesitance.
And the hesitance of one whose counsel I value very highly.
There are so many pros...
And the cons... well, the cons are my pride. And the thwarting of my desire for escape. And, of course, my hesitation to make the "wrong" choice.
Is that all?
Oh, yes. I'd have to deal with the presence of the boundary pushers, instead of quietly making my exit.
I guess I just have to think... is staying here and working with HJ and marrying C really what I want to do with my life? Because Option 2 will greatly facilitate that.
And Option 1... still leaves room for escape.
Ahhh. There it is. There it is.
It's less about which school am I going to, and more about having an "out".
This girl... the perennial escapist.
You need to think about this, and make sure it's what you really want, otherwise you'll start to chafe, and you'll panic, and you'll run. "Know thyself," they say. Well, I know myself, and that's what will happen.
Go. Run your errands. But think while you're running. Think about this.
Talk it over with C tonight. And Mom, when she calls back. Let them know, work it through. Pray about it some more.
I was talking to Mom about how I'm afraid of making a decision because it seems like this past year, fully half or more of my decisions have lead to pretty awful situations for me. Summer camp was something I prayed about and thought about like crazy, and it ended up being a veritable hell. However, the drive out to WI was a great decision. Choosing to come to Y was a good decision, also, I think. However, working at the herb store was significantly less enjoyable than I had anticipated. (But I DID appreciate the income.)
Mom pointed out, however, that working at camp may not have been a bad thing. I did find out rather quickly that I can't work around foods I'm allergic to, and if I had not known that, I might be taking a food-service job now and slowly poisoning myself, wondering why I'm always so sick. Now, it would be my livelihood. Then, it was just summer camp--not a big deal if I left. (Well, I don't think she knows that camp was supposed to be my livelihood! lol) She says that she's found that sometimes the most awful things come around full circle and keep us from experiencing something drawn out and/or even more terrible. I agree with that. ("So," I said, "it's almost like there are no mistakes." "Exactly!" she agreed. "There's even a verse in Romans that points that out.")
Talking to C about the decision I have to make within the next few days, I told him I was stressing because I don't want to make the wrong choice. He looked at me with amused amazement and asserted boldly, "What wrong choice? There is no wrong choice."
"Yes, there is," I insisted. "Either way, the course of my life is going to be changed significantly. Your life is supposed to take a certain path, and you have to make the choices that will keep you on that path."
"No. Life isn't supposed to be anything. It's what you make it. There is no wrong choice, there is simply a choice."
Oh.
I think they have a point.
I mean, philosophically or theologically or whatever, it may not be totally refined and correct. But the base theory is almost revolutionary to me. I'm always so concerned with whether I'm doing the "right thing" or not, making the "right choice" so that I will be the "right person". (I thought I was trying to buck that?!)
What if the two choices are not "right or wrong", but equally right? What if it simply comes down to... which path do I want to take?
It seems the doors to Option 2 have suddenly flung wide, while Option 1 quietly wilts into itself, further estranged by the reassertion of my initial hesitance.
And the hesitance of one whose counsel I value very highly.
There are so many pros...
And the cons... well, the cons are my pride. And the thwarting of my desire for escape. And, of course, my hesitation to make the "wrong" choice.
Is that all?
Oh, yes. I'd have to deal with the presence of the boundary pushers, instead of quietly making my exit.
I guess I just have to think... is staying here and working with HJ and marrying C really what I want to do with my life? Because Option 2 will greatly facilitate that.
And Option 1... still leaves room for escape.
Ahhh. There it is. There it is.
It's less about which school am I going to, and more about having an "out".
This girl... the perennial escapist.
You need to think about this, and make sure it's what you really want, otherwise you'll start to chafe, and you'll panic, and you'll run. "Know thyself," they say. Well, I know myself, and that's what will happen.
Go. Run your errands. But think while you're running. Think about this.
Talk it over with C tonight. And Mom, when she calls back. Let them know, work it through. Pray about it some more.
0 thoughts: