One of my "assignments" from counseling is to monitor my feelings and self-talk-- see what triggers my depression, and what I'm saying to myself that triggers/worsens it.

I'm sliding today, I'll be quite honest.

Last night I had a bad dream about some old man coming on to me.

Today, I didn't leave C's place until 3 (didn't actually get out of bed until 11:30, but that's because I went to bed late and C woke me up when he came to bed, for like an hour. I didn't mind... at the time. But it takes a toll on me later.)

And now I'm feeling overwhelmed with stuff that I feel like I ought to be getting done TODAY (we talked about this in counseling, too), and I feel like a failure, I guess, for not having it all done by now, or not taking the initiative to have begun trying to accomplish stuff earlier in the day.

So, I'm feeling like I want to isolate, I'm feeling overwhelmed and just wanting to say "forget it all" and do none of the things I'm "supposed" to be doing, I'm feeling angry at myself, and I'm feeling annoyed.

What thoughts are contributing to these feelings? What am I saying to myself?

That's the hard part. I have an easy enough time identifying feelings, but it's the thoughts behind the feelings that I struggle sorting out.

P.S.- I really am one anxious gal! I can't believe I never saw it before. I guess we really just believe what we want to believe about ourselves.

Thoughts:
-You should be doing better than this.
-You're letting people down because you're not performing well.
-You're selfish.
-You're lazy.
-You're irresponsible.
-This is why you can't function as an adult. You're too immature for real life.
-You're a bad person.
-Why can't you just get your act together?
-You can't be relied on or trusted.
-If you don't do this TODAY, then it just won't get done. You must do it now. Now, now, now!

Well, fudge goats. I guess I just suck, then, don't I?

Okay, what I think I'll do is continue monitoring this week, and then next week I'll have a look at which are the most consistent negative tapes playing in my head, pick one, and begin the process of replacing that negative tape with a positive one.

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