It's funny...

... not "haha" funny, but... just funny. Weird. Strange.
How your past can affect you so much without your realizing it.
(As my friend says, "as the twig is bent, so the tree is inclined".)

You see, C got a new video game the other day. (Actually, I'm the one who encouraged him to, which is the ironic part! He wasn't sure his reasons for wanting it were valid enough to actually buy it, but they seemed valid enough to me, so I said he should do it.) And it's not that I have a problem with him playing the games, because I don't. It's how he stimulates his mind and wears his brain out enough so that he can sleep.

It's just...

the last two nights, he seems to basically be ignoring me and just playing the game.

Well, no. It's not that he's ignoring me, it's that I feel ignored. I know that if I wanted or needed his attention, he'd give it to me, but I've been choosing not to.

But lots of people have activities that require focus and they "ignore" those around them-- like my reading, for example.

So why the intense feelings of loneliness and rejection and inadequacy?

Ahh, yes. Because of G. Because he really did ignore us, choosing video games over us kids, over his family. Even if we needed his attention, it was not there to partake of. Only if we got in front of the tv screen would he acknowledge us.

And so the old feelings come flooding back. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose our relationship to a computer game, though I know intellectually that it's not going to happen. But the fear, the insecurity, is there.

I need to talk to him about this today, and let him know what's going on with me, my feelings about the matter. I cannot just expect him to read my mind!

And, as I've been telling myself, even if he were ignoring me and rejecting me in favor of the video game, it doesn't matter, because my self-worth is not tied to C's attentions or affections. I am enough, either way. I do not need him to be happy, or to make me happy, or to have a fulfilled life. So these feelings? They have no bearing. They're there, and I acknowledge them, and I understand them, but they are not going to rule me or drive my behaviors. I'm going to rationally talk to C about this and explain my past and my position, and we'll see what happens from there. I don't expect anything negative to come of this.

It's just... funny.

I'm really glad that I'm self-aware, or else this could have really caused some problems. (It did take me a while of asking myself questions to figure it out, though...)

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