Did I mention that I set a boundary with a church friend recently? She also happens to be my doctor. At my last appointment, she asked me if I'd take part in a sundown worship program she's putting together. I really didn't want to, but didn't feel like I could say no... so I didn't. I just kind of let her make up my mind for me. And I resented that.
So, the next morning, I texted her this message:
I've thought about it, and I'd rather not participate. hope you understand.
I was exuberant at my victory (especially since it took prompting from S and C to be able to do it). Then, a few hours later, I got a response.
I don't, but I love you just as much. C, is there an issue related to me? Have I been offensive or anything?
Of course, I had to clarify, which I did, and was rewarded with a nice, respectful, and well-meaning reply.
No, it's not about you at all. thanks for the affirmation :)
C, you are treasure, and I enjoy EVERY moment of time I get to spend with you. That's only one reason I'm disappointed. Another reason is that I LOVE the way you play that guitar. God has given you a very special gift, and I am glad that you are cultivating it. If you change your mind, I'd really appreciate your help. And the church loves to see you up front and to hear your music, so call me (or text) if you repent :)
Problem solved... or so I thought. Today, I received a series of 5 texts from the same person, which, I'll admit, irritated me some. (I thought I set a boundary here, woman?! You're supposed to leave me alone now!)
Text 1: C, my beloved friend, could there be a problem related to backsliding?
What?! I'm glad I'm your "beloved friend", but I don't perceive us as being that close. Your term of endearment does nothing to cushion the question so frankly leveled at me. Although, I must admit, I am grateful for your honesty. At least you're not being sketchy or manipulative. (This is because I was wearing a necklace when you saw me, isn't it?)
Text 2: Maybe related to a greatly loved fellow who isn't good for my young friend?
Ahh, yes... here we go. The heart of the matter. Everyone thinks they know what's good for their little christian friend. How, may I ask, do you know what is good for me and what isn't? I think the issue at stake here is whether he is good for my Adventism or not. Truth be told, I do not consider myself Adventist any longer, and it is not due to C or anything about C. You want to hold accountable a "fellow who isn't good for my young friend"? Talk to G. Talk to the one in "good standing" in the church who was beating and molesting his young step-daughter. Talk to the elder who lied to and about my family to achieve his own pernicious ends (and who is still a leader in good standing in the church!). The one who told me that my mother had cancer because she was "living in sin". Leave C out of this, because he is a good man and does not deserve your judgment. He's more moral than many christians I know, so don't even pretend like you know him. You have no right to drag him into my personal decisions, either. I don't want to come to church because I hate that God, alright? I want to know what God is truly like, and Adventism is standing in my way right now.
Text 3: Ever since you backed out of helping, the Lord has put your face and your name in the front of my mind.
Actually, I think it's more likely that, because you're planning a program that I initially agreed to help with, you're constantly being reminded that I rescinded my reluctant offer of assistance. Could be the Lord. Probably isn't. P.S.- I "backed out" because I never wanted to be helping in the first place, and I refuse to feel guilty or bad about my decision.
Text 4: I have noticed that you seem sad compared to the exuberant attitude when you first came back home.
There are several things I could say to this. First of all, yes. Yes, I am sad. Remember, I came to you not too long ago asking for help because I couldn't handle my horrific depression anymore? I think that's a viable explanation for sadness right there. Secondly, my exuberance was due to the initial rush of seeing people I hadn't seen in a long time, and the possibilities at my fingertips. Now? Now I'm ground down by the passage of time and dealing with stuff and trying to hide from my upstanding churchy friends that I no longer believe what they believe anymore but I don't want them to be upset with me or alienate me so I'm trying to fake it! (Also, I really don't feel like being "talked down" by every single church friend... because deep down, every Adventist is an evangelist. That means that you can't just sneak out the back door. You've got to fight your way out, tooth and nail.)
Text 5: I love you and am praying for you.
That's nice. I could use the prayers.
But I don't think I'm going to answer. Or, if I do, it will look something like this: "I appreciate your loving concern on my behalf, but there are really no issues I feel the need to discuss with you."
That seems kind of rude to me, though. I'll have to refine it somehow.
You know what I do feel guilty and bad about, though? Not having a job. It's that cyclical "I feel so awful about this that I have no motivation to remedy the situation, thus leading to an escalation of feeling helplessly awful which leads to more inaction which leads to..."
I just... feel... inadequate. "This is why you'll never truly be 'an adult', fully functioning and capable of taking care of herself." I also feel panicked. What will I do when I run out of money? I'm so sick of mooching off of people! Yet, what is a realistic expectation? I only have three weeks for crying out loud! Who will hire me for that little of time?!
Sigh.
In addition to that, there's this nasty little bout of intensely shameful feelings and undisclosed secrets re: the abuse that I've just uncovered today and am trying to deal with. I feel so inadequate when it comes to handling myself and my feelings... or trying to lead this peer group. Gag.
I'm seriously, seriously wondering if something in the way of sexual abuse didn't happen to me when I was much younger, because there are some patterns and stuff when I got older that just don't... make sense otherwise.
There are some puzzle pieces missing, and it's starting to bug me.
I think something happened to me when I was a toddler... from the time period when I have my first memories of (physical) abuse. I also think that it's connected to the daycare somehow... and possibly the first G. I do recall and have always recalled (hazily) him urinating into a cup and trying to force me to drink it. I just don't remember if I did or not. I know I didn't want to. But I think I thought it was my fault because I wouldn't wear my socks right so Mom left me at home instead of taking me to daycare (which I hated going to for some inexplicable reason).
I feel sick.
This kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen to toddlers.
What is wrong with the world?!
So, the next morning, I texted her this message:
I've thought about it, and I'd rather not participate. hope you understand.
I was exuberant at my victory (especially since it took prompting from S and C to be able to do it). Then, a few hours later, I got a response.
I don't, but I love you just as much. C, is there an issue related to me? Have I been offensive or anything?
Of course, I had to clarify, which I did, and was rewarded with a nice, respectful, and well-meaning reply.
No, it's not about you at all. thanks for the affirmation :)
C, you are treasure, and I enjoy EVERY moment of time I get to spend with you. That's only one reason I'm disappointed. Another reason is that I LOVE the way you play that guitar. God has given you a very special gift, and I am glad that you are cultivating it. If you change your mind, I'd really appreciate your help. And the church loves to see you up front and to hear your music, so call me (or text) if you repent :)
Problem solved... or so I thought. Today, I received a series of 5 texts from the same person, which, I'll admit, irritated me some. (I thought I set a boundary here, woman?! You're supposed to leave me alone now!)
Text 1: C, my beloved friend, could there be a problem related to backsliding?
What?! I'm glad I'm your "beloved friend", but I don't perceive us as being that close. Your term of endearment does nothing to cushion the question so frankly leveled at me. Although, I must admit, I am grateful for your honesty. At least you're not being sketchy or manipulative. (This is because I was wearing a necklace when you saw me, isn't it?)
Text 2: Maybe related to a greatly loved fellow who isn't good for my young friend?
Ahh, yes... here we go. The heart of the matter. Everyone thinks they know what's good for their little christian friend. How, may I ask, do you know what is good for me and what isn't? I think the issue at stake here is whether he is good for my Adventism or not. Truth be told, I do not consider myself Adventist any longer, and it is not due to C or anything about C. You want to hold accountable a "fellow who isn't good for my young friend"? Talk to G. Talk to the one in "good standing" in the church who was beating and molesting his young step-daughter. Talk to the elder who lied to and about my family to achieve his own pernicious ends (and who is still a leader in good standing in the church!). The one who told me that my mother had cancer because she was "living in sin". Leave C out of this, because he is a good man and does not deserve your judgment. He's more moral than many christians I know, so don't even pretend like you know him. You have no right to drag him into my personal decisions, either. I don't want to come to church because I hate that God, alright? I want to know what God is truly like, and Adventism is standing in my way right now.
Text 3: Ever since you backed out of helping, the Lord has put your face and your name in the front of my mind.
Actually, I think it's more likely that, because you're planning a program that I initially agreed to help with, you're constantly being reminded that I rescinded my reluctant offer of assistance. Could be the Lord. Probably isn't. P.S.- I "backed out" because I never wanted to be helping in the first place, and I refuse to feel guilty or bad about my decision.
Text 4: I have noticed that you seem sad compared to the exuberant attitude when you first came back home.
There are several things I could say to this. First of all, yes. Yes, I am sad. Remember, I came to you not too long ago asking for help because I couldn't handle my horrific depression anymore? I think that's a viable explanation for sadness right there. Secondly, my exuberance was due to the initial rush of seeing people I hadn't seen in a long time, and the possibilities at my fingertips. Now? Now I'm ground down by the passage of time and dealing with stuff and trying to hide from my upstanding churchy friends that I no longer believe what they believe anymore but I don't want them to be upset with me or alienate me so I'm trying to fake it! (Also, I really don't feel like being "talked down" by every single church friend... because deep down, every Adventist is an evangelist. That means that you can't just sneak out the back door. You've got to fight your way out, tooth and nail.)
Text 5: I love you and am praying for you.
That's nice. I could use the prayers.
But I don't think I'm going to answer. Or, if I do, it will look something like this: "I appreciate your loving concern on my behalf, but there are really no issues I feel the need to discuss with you."
That seems kind of rude to me, though. I'll have to refine it somehow.
You know what I do feel guilty and bad about, though? Not having a job. It's that cyclical "I feel so awful about this that I have no motivation to remedy the situation, thus leading to an escalation of feeling helplessly awful which leads to more inaction which leads to..."
I just... feel... inadequate. "This is why you'll never truly be 'an adult', fully functioning and capable of taking care of herself." I also feel panicked. What will I do when I run out of money? I'm so sick of mooching off of people! Yet, what is a realistic expectation? I only have three weeks for crying out loud! Who will hire me for that little of time?!
Sigh.
In addition to that, there's this nasty little bout of intensely shameful feelings and undisclosed secrets re: the abuse that I've just uncovered today and am trying to deal with. I feel so inadequate when it comes to handling myself and my feelings... or trying to lead this peer group. Gag.
I'm seriously, seriously wondering if something in the way of sexual abuse didn't happen to me when I was much younger, because there are some patterns and stuff when I got older that just don't... make sense otherwise.
There are some puzzle pieces missing, and it's starting to bug me.
I think something happened to me when I was a toddler... from the time period when I have my first memories of (physical) abuse. I also think that it's connected to the daycare somehow... and possibly the first G. I do recall and have always recalled (hazily) him urinating into a cup and trying to force me to drink it. I just don't remember if I did or not. I know I didn't want to. But I think I thought it was my fault because I wouldn't wear my socks right so Mom left me at home instead of taking me to daycare (which I hated going to for some inexplicable reason).
I feel sick.
This kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen to toddlers.
What is wrong with the world?!
0 thoughts: