Going Under

How is it possible to feel two such antithetical feelings at the same time? On the one hand, I do feel loved, because they care enough to help me see the truth, and in a loving, positive way. On the other hand, I feel like the elephant in the room-- the elephant that is infested with rabies, lice, and possibly even fleas.

How can I still be, after all these years... a home wrecker? Dammit. I long for peace, yet I reap tension, bitterness, and strife.

Is there nowhere I can truly belong? The cry of my heart is, Love me! Accept me! Be okay with who I am!
And yet... others are threatened by my existence. I never wanted to take your place. I just wanted to create a place for myself to be.

They say that in every joke is a grain of truth. This thought winds its way to the forefront of my mind when I hear (joking) comments like: "I can't wait for you to leave." "No wonder I'm glad you're leaving!" Uh-huh. Now it all makes sense.

Who do you think I am? What kind of person do you take me for? I am not a thief, some slick seductress who works her way into lives to take them over. Do you think I am a parasite, a tick?

I tried my best. But time has shown that I will never truly be one of the family. I am the ignominious adopted daughter. The red-headed stepchild, if you will.

The curse of dysfunction follows me wherever I go. I cannot escape it. I feel like the specter of Death-- what I touch, whom I love, the very air I breathe... all becomes tainted, polluted, and decay sets in.

Am I doomed to an isolated existence? I thought I had found the antidote to that... but instead, I found that it was a mirage. A placebo. You thought you could belong. Sorry. You're still ****ed up. What you touch turns to ashes. If only you believed in incarnation-- you could try again in your next life.


I told C that I was contemplating moving to Yuma until I start school. She said don't. LOL. I was going to be packed and ready by the time they got home from the hospital, but the fatal flaw to my plan is that I'm broke. Bah, humbug.

My flight instinct kicks in again, strong. I'm ready to go to school in Colorado, just because I don't know anyone there. No chance of my taking over anyone's family or relationship or whatever. No chance of my hurting anyone. Just me and the snow and my cat. And the new age philosophies I'd have to endure.

And another part of me says, "Screw you! It's my life! I'll do what I want!" And that's exactly why I don't fit into a family. Dammit again.

All the ugliness I've been trying to repress lately, it's surfacing, threatening to spew all over anyone who so much as jostles me. Bad words, hostile looks, seething impatience, frustration, and anger... Guess I'm not so converted, after all.

If I were to die tonight... I'd be glad for the rest... but nervous about what would happen when the nap was over.

I'm not fit to be in heaven.

I'm not fit to be in K, ID.

Get me outta here.

January can't come too soon.

(Fun fact: My name, C, has two meanings-- one means "helper of mankind". The other means "prophetess of doom". I generally see myself as the first, yet the second proves to be the reality of my life. Go figure.)

It's like all those things that I didn't want to believe about myself are being proved true. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You can't fight it, you can't run from it. You are a problem. You cause problems. No matter where you go, you will not find rest or peace, because your very presence prohibits it.

Is this hell?