To run or not to run?

Mmmmm... not!

I feel better, if somewhat numb. Glad I have space to myself. I had a good convo with J, who lauded the growth she sees in me. In our conversation, I stumbled across a very simple, yet very profound concept.

Same feelings + different reaction = growth!

Anyway, I can choose to go elsewhere if God leads me to a settled conviction that it's the right thing, but I won't be running. I am different in that respect, at least.

And a pertinent question was raised-- how much of these things are unfortunate circumstances, and how much is actual character flaws that need work? Good question. There are a few things that I would say are the product of unfortunate circumstances-- violations of unspoken expectations, hurts and hangups of all parties involved that need healing, etc.

There are a few things that I would say are things I need to work on for my sanity and the sanity of those around me. The question is... how to go about doing that?

It's a bit overwhelming, quite frankly.

It's funny, but this whole situation reminds me of the last Market of the first year I lived here. I was bumping along, thinking I was doing the right thing and helping and being such a great person, and the S's were very distressed and upset because I wasn't helping like they thought that I would or should... but no expectations were voiced, and I had no idea that I was violating them. All I knew was there was tension and upset, and I couldn't figure out why.

So, anyway, now I get to go off to church and smile and pretend that I'm normal.Yippee. I said I'd help with song service, so I have to go, plus there's a meeting, so... at least I feel better. Thank goodness.

Oh, yes, and I was thinking yesterday... about how very unfair it is that I don't have a dad. I've got R, and I love him, and he loves me, but... he's got walls of his own. My whole family is that way. We love each other, but it's more like... well... what is it like? Well, I guess it's more like a guy who married a woman with four kids and is still learning how to be a dad. Lol. If I had a dad from the get-go, he'd have 23 years of practice, instead of 5. That makes a difference.

How come I didn't get a family, a real family? Why did I grow up with the shattered mockery of a family that I did? Maybe it's because I could handle it... I think about J or K trying to survive something like that, and I know that it would crush their souls. (Like it didn't crush mine? lol) They're, how do you say, daddy's girls? They need that tender love and affection that their parents lavish on them, like little seedlings. J is really struggling because her parents can't be there for her right now like they always have, and I'll confess that I don't really understand. I'm like, what's the big deal? Put on your big girl panties and get on with life.

But that's a very callous response, because just as they have no clue what it is to grow up without a family or a father, or indeed with an enemy for a father, I have no clue what it is to grow up with a steady and inexhaustible supply of healthy familial and parental love. I do, of a sort, because my mom has always been there, but it was more like we were allies, sisters, friends than mother and daughter.

We do not, cannot, understand the other party's experience, because we were raised so fundamentally opposite. How interesting. (Just how did I think that I was magically going to fit in? I laugh at myself sometimes.)

And as much as I luxuriate in the safety and stability that living with a family provides... that darn independent streak keeps screaming out to me that I'm not cut out for family life. I need to be out on my own. But I do enjoy the economic stability. That's my greatest discomfort and fear about living on my own again.

Okay, I really need to go get ready for church. But it feels good to get this stuff out... like popping a pimple or cleansing a wound. Hehe.