Just an out and out discussion of the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head.

God, you promised that the Holy Spirit would bring to remembrance all things that you have said. Please make good on that promise now. I'm asking for the guidance and protection of the Spirit.

I'm worried about Faith Camp. I'm afraid that I'll have to wear a super spiritual mask, because I'm a speaker, and I have our (that is, yours and mine) reputations to uphold. What if they find out I'm a phony? A fraud? I'm a Bible Worker masquerader. Sigh. So I'll wear the right clothes, and I'll say the right things, and I'll be what I'm "supposed" to be because, really, I do care about you a lot (yes, love… I guess), and I want to make you happy, and this is how I do it, right? This is my reasonable service? Because if I were to display my insecurity for all the world to see, it would impugn your cause… cast a bad light on the gospel.

It's funny… I'm so afraid of losing my job, yet I've contemplated quitting.

I'm supposed to be a life giver, but I feel like my soul is mildewing, on the verge of rot. (If not mildew, then at least brackish stagnation.) How can I give what I don't have? And yet, I've committed myself to ministry for life. I can't just walk away from it.

Are you twisting my arm, or am I twisting my own?

Running away is worse that failing, anyway. I've done it for so long… but never in such an overt fashion.

And now I feel the weight of those churches on me. I can't leave now… I'm afraid it would shatter them.

Those Evanescence songs keep running through my mind. I identify so much with the lyrics…

And then I read those books like The Heavenly Man, or Tortured For Christ, and they love you so much! They went through so much worse things, and were/are totally gung-ho still. So what does this say about me? Am I a bad person? Am I even a Christian? I find it difficult (internally) to work for you sometimes. What does that mean?

God, can you even hear me? Am I talking to air? Have I separated myself from you??

I guess the big problem is, how can I give what I don't have? I don't want to be a phony.

J has made me promise that I won't "do anything" (quit, write Steve an email telling him that I'm a bad Bible Worker, go back to Az, etc.) until I talk to D. He's my boss, it's only fair. I know he thinks I'm doing a good job, and so do S, H, and Carl (no matter how I try to convince them of the opposite). Maybe it's because they don't have a good Bible Worker to use as a reference point. The full soul loatheth an honeycomb, but to the hungry, every bitter thing is sweet.

But if I left before my contract was up, I would hate myself.

So tired. Manual labor is a good thing. Goodnight.

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