I'm such a failure. I don't know how anyone has put up with me at all. Yeah, I can understand how my friends still hang around me. I lie. Yeah, everything's okay--lie. No really, I'm okay--lie.

I feel bad all the time because I'm just not good enough. I mean, look--I can't understand my work at school, I don't do my homework, I don't help out around the house as much as I should… I have reasons for all that, but nobody would understand. Example: I don't do my homework or clean because I'm trying to clean messes up when I should be doing my homework. I don't clean because I'm trying to do some of my homework while watching the kids. I try to do everything, and somehow that makes me lazy. And then, somebody really great finally comes along and I don't tell him anything. I'm just not used to actually telling anybody anything, and when someone who will listen comes along, I can't. I don't know how. It's like that one song goes-- "I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me."

I just want to scream and let it all out. Everything. All the shit I went though with G that I never told, all the anger at Mom that I never express, all the hatred at myself for being me… Nobody knows… And if they did, they'd just pat me on the head and say, "Poor little girl, let's get you some therapy before you hurt yourself." And the nightmares… They aren't like a terrifying scary most of the time, but it's like all of my memories are rushing to the surface lately and mixing all together until I'm so lost inside my own head that there's not even enough room for me. I sleep, but I don't rest. I just wanna call it all quits and start my life over. I wish I was normal. I wish I could be the perfect little girl I'm supposed to be and get rid of the screw up that I currently am.

I know I'm selfish. I shouldn't be worrying about me, I should be taking care of Mom and the kids. But I can't, I can't. I can't even take care of myself.

I never asked for this. What did I do, God? Was it something I did as a kid so that I have to be stuck like this all the time? I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I will say it all day if I have to. I just want to be happy, if only for one day. I know that I pretend to be happy sometimes, but it's never real. All I am is a bundle of lies taped together and told to be good.

Be good, do this… Now run over there, little sheep. Baa.

I'm just so tired. Years and years, I have been doing this… I need a rest. Not a rest for my bod, but my mind. I just wanna go someplace quiet, curl up, and hibernate for years on end. Maybe forever. Hardly anybody would miss me. Everybody would be happy.

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