I got to brush up on my snow driving today. The kids actually got a snow day off of school, due to a blizzard that came through, and the governor declared a state of emergency because the weather is so bad in some places! I feel like I did nothing but drive back and forth between the house and Mom's work today, though. She works really close, so I dropped her off at work, then came back home. A few hours later, she called and asked if J and I could come in at noon instead of three for our haircuts, so I drove us there. J's highlights were going to take 45 more minutes after I was finished, so I drove back home... only to be called back 15 minutes later. I picked J up and took her back home, then drove her and K to the salon, intending to pick Mom up from work at the same time and have her go pick the girls up when they were done. However, she thought that I was going to wait around, but I reminded her that Jr. was home alone with Peanut, so I drove us back to the house, and then she took the car back to the salon. A total of... 4 trips to the salon and back, all within a few hours.

I got to take care of Peanut for the next few hours, as Mom and K went shopping (in a blizzard?!) for art supplies. K is going to paint a multiple-canvas piece to give to her boyfriend for Christmas, so they can hang it up in their apartment. Spending time with my little niece has been nothing less than a joy, even with all the work involved. I can say without reservation that I am looking forward to being a mother. I realize now how much work babies are, and when I do have children, that will be my full-time job. I do not have the energy reserves to take care of a baby and also pursue a career. But that's okay, because I truly do love the domestic life, as much as that thought makes me laugh. I've spent so long railing against the idea of wanting a husband and a family... that to admit to wanting it, to admit to being good at that kind of thing, well... it feels very odd. Like I'm betraying long-held values, or something. Anyway, I guess it's good to realize now that I'm going to be a good mother. It gives me confidence. If I can only carry a baby to term...

While I was caring for the baby, I decided to make myself useful (because I can't just sit around for days on end without being productive), so I tidied up the living room, as I'd done for the bathroom and kitchen the day before. I tried to put the baby down so I could vacuum, but she wasn't having any of that. She just kept fussing and wanting to be held, so I carried her in one arm while I vacuumed with the other, and do you know what happened? No, I didn't drop her... she fell asleep! Can you believe it?! With the vacuum roaring right there beneath her. Unbelievable. (And yet she won't sleep if you lay her down in her cradle? Uh-huh.)

I also got the rest of the tree decorated for Mom tonight. It's difficult to hang ornaments with a baby in your arms, you know that? Fortunately, Mom and K came home, and I passed the baby off to her mother.

I drew up a rough timeline for Mom and I, so that we can be sure to accomplish all the wedding stuff that we want to while I'm here. I have two weeks before I leave, but there are holidays and birthdays in between that take away days, not to mention the baby (who is a major black hole when it comes to accomplishing anything). K should be taking the baby back home with her soon, so that'll help... though I'll miss that little tootsie roll.

I want one.

Also, I just found out that Grampa is still in the hospital, dealing with complications from his surgery. I sincerely hope that he will make a full recovery. The visit I made to see him in the hospital felt very significant somehow, but I just can't bring myself to believe that it could possibly be a "goodbye" at all... He can't die. I need him.

I'm also troubled by the difficult time that the S family is having... there's so much hardship for them, and I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm in a very awkward position, because, I mean... I'm "family"... right? So it's like I'm a part of them, it affects me too, and I care so much... but I'm not really family. And I'm not there. There's no way for me to help carry the burden, no tangible way that I can see to express my love, care, and concern without weighing them down further... I just don't know what to do, what to say... Every time I call, I get D, because no one else is home... and I love talking to him, I want to talk to him, but I know that he's weak, and I don't want to cause him harm.

I'm stuck in this weird limbo, and I don't even know how to relate to them anymore. I don't want to add to their burdens in any way... so I mostly just leave them alone.

Should I ask them not to bother with the wedding? I know D can't travel well anymore... and C and the girls are under a lot of stress... Maybe it would be best for them if I relieved them of the musician position? Then they wouldn't have to come down to Y, wouldn't have to deal with the expenses and the emotional toll it will take... I don't know. I just don't know.

Talked to C last night. I miss that fella. When I told him that, he admitted sheepishly that he was kind of hoping that I would. :) He was pleasantly surprised to hear my take on the spring program being cancelled, and I could tell that he was proud of me for seeing the positive aspects of what is happening. Did I mention that I'm taking yoga as my third class? I've been reading a lot about the importance of regular exercise in pain management for fibro, and especially the benefits of yoga, so if I can earn college credits while taking charge of my health, count me in! With a (hopefully) easy schedule this coming semester, I may even be able to take on more hours with the HJ, and earn a little more income. I'm especially sensitive to that right now, because the program being delayed means that C will have to support me longer than I initially thought... and we all know by now that there's no hope of my getting assistance from the state in any form... Maybe if I'm able to get on disability in the future? I know a couple of people with fibro who have managed to get disability, and it really helps them. We'll see. I think that would be a serious blow to my pride. :-\

I'm tired. Haven't been sleeping much, though the hours that I've gotten have been pretty good. Bowel health is still in the pits, though. I've had to do a couple of colon cleanses since I've been here, and have found to my shock that I'm just now passing food that I ate days before I left. Gross! No wonder my guts feel sour, like stuff is fermenting in there-- it is! I've realized, though, that it's not all my colon to blame, as I thought previously. My small intestine is clearly falling down on the job, so I will need to do some research to see how I can stimulate small intestine function. After doing a clean-out twice today, though, I'm catching up... I just got through Monday's supper, so hopefully the rest will come through soon. I wonder if that yogurt is helping or harming? Either way, I was also passing more blood than I'm comfortable with. Maybe I should get another colonoscopy sometime this year? Just in case. I mean... Grampa is in the hospital for colon cancer, after all... and several members of my family have remarked on how thin I've gotten, which is totally unintentional on my part. I'm just... losing weight, I guess. (I mean, not that I mind! What woman doesn't like to lose weight without trying? lol)

Anyway, it's off to bed with me.

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