Don't drop the baby!

It's been weird in some ways to be home... totally not what I expected. I guess I've changed more than I realized, in many ways, but I just don't see it because I'm always with myself, you know?

I accompanied both girls to their counseling sessions this week, and I heard from both of them that they don't really know how to relate to me anymore... They feel a little lost, because I used to be all uber-Christian, right? J said that she felt like she was always kinda walking on eggshells, making sure that something didn't happen that would offend me (like watching a movie with a curse word in it, she'd automatically think, "Oh no, did C hear that?!"). Now, though, she doesn't know what will and will not offend me, as I'm still conservative in some ways, but totally not in a lot of other ways. For instance, we now talk freely of our mutual love of bacon. We didn't go to church this Sabbath, and no one really batted an eyelash.

Mom and I had a good, long talk last night about the ways that I've changed and what my philosophies and views on life are right now. She says that once I'm pregnant and expecting to deliver, I'll go through another re-evaluation. Something about being responsible for the outcome of another life makes you really check your priorities. Anyway, it was something I had been kind of dreading... especially the first Sabbath... Because, I mean, I feel like I've invested so much into the image of me as the great Christian over the years, the shining example for the family, that I felt like I'd be letting Mom down if she knew that I am not SDA anymore. But, no. She's cool. She recognizes that it's my choice, really, and I have to be true to what I believe. I was so relieved. I don't know why I was worried, though. I mean, acceptance pretty much typifies our relationship. I shouldn't fear drama and ostracizing for any choices I might make, because that's so not our family, and so not Mom... but yet I still do. I'm afraid of letting down those I love. And I thought that it was important to her that I be this stellar Christian, so I was afraid to break that image. I am so glad for the acceptance and love of my family and parents. It means the world to me.

R called from work yesterday and let me know that he put money in my bank account, "in case you see something really cool for your Mom while you're out, or for food or something. If you need to buy some food, now you have money."

I told him I was gonna use it to pay off a couple of small medical bills, which surprised him (but he approved), but he pressed the food issue again. He said he wanted to make sure that I was getting enough to eat. I think he's worried about that a little, because the first day I was home he commented on how I look thinner. I've also made no secret of the digestive issues I've been struggling with, and I got the go-ahead from R tonight to go see a gastroenterologist when I get back home. (I'm still passing food I ate several days before I left. Guess I'm not as caught up as I thought...) Mom thinks a girdle--for compression-- will help my digestive process. I started probiotics again, so that should help. I think the yogurt helped, too.

R's right, though. I have lost weight. The girls noticed, and asked me how I got so skinny. (Easy! The food allergy diet! lol) I am taking to wearing my engagement ring on my middle finger, because it's very loose on my ring finger and I'm afraid it might slip off. It's happened a couple of times recently. I also stole a pair of jeans from Mom today, size 4, and they fit very well at first, since they were freshly washed and dried. By midday, though, they felt like they were too big. Size 4, too big? What?? (No wonder my jeans at home feel too large-- they're a size 8!) Well, I don't think I'm losing weight so much as I'm just shrinking a little. My weight has been pretty stable from doctor visit to doctor visit. Anyway, I still look good. I don't look sickly or anything. Just... thinner.

Went with Mom to the store tonight to get stocking stuffers and a stocking hanger for K's boyfriend E, who is spending Christmas and a few days around it with us. Peanut woke up towards the end of the trip and would not be consoled, so I took her while Mom was checking out. I got her bottle out and went to sit down on my walker to feed her, but the brakes weren't on (they don't have a locking mechanism, unfortunately) and it slid out from underneath me. My only thought was, "Don't drop the baby! Don't let her hit her head on anything!" So I took the fall straight to the butt! Peanut was startled, but fine. She took her bottle and calmed right down, and Mom and a store employee helped me back up. Embarrassing? Sure. Painful? You bet. It's funny, because my rear doesn't hurt so much as my elbows do, though I'm sure I'll feel it tomorrow! It's okay. Baby's safe. Totally worth it.

I got all my Christmas presents wrapped today. I feel like an achiever! I decorated the tree, and had the first presents under the tree. Usually Mom's totally on top of all that, but with work and Peanut, she's behind this year. I can tell she feels stressed about it, but I know that Christmas will still be good and fun. She'll probably make K watch her own baby tomorrow and spend all day in the basement, wrapping gifts.

Also, Mom and I talked about how to simplify my wedding decorations. I'm feeling overwhelmed by many of the ideas/plans that I had, because I realize that I'll still be doing school and work and preparing to move and still dealing with this fibro... and I have to do most the prep myself. Ugh. So my focus will be on the tables, with a few simple touches here and there to make it clear that it's a wedding. Mom thinks it's a wise decision. I just don't want to bite off more than I can chew, and I'm kind of wedding-ed out. I realized that I was unconsciously trying to pull off one of those Pinterest/wedding blog kind of weddings, but I just don't have the resources or capabilities for that at this point in my life... so I won't. I want the wedding to be "us", and part of "us" is that I just want something simple. Sweet.

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