Adventures in the ER

This may or may not be coherent. Fortunately, I only write for myself, so I know I'll understand me. That's a relief.

I want to preface this with the acknowledgment that I am a warrior, and a damn good one. I fight battles that many people will never, ever have to face in their life. I stare down intense chronic pain on a daily basis, and I win. Every day. I know I'm a fighter, and I know that I'm loved and cherished beyond belief. I also know that it's all going to be okay.

That being said, I will now proceed to lay bare my fears, vulnerabilities, and anger.

I spent a good portion of my evening and night in the emergency room last night. On Sunday, I spent an hour in the heat and that set off a migraine that was still super severe 24 hours later, and I couldn't get it under control with my pain meds I had at home. On top of that, I was having full body pain and fever and the damn twitchies were back, which exacerbated the pain. I could not handle it any longer, so I went in for help with the migraine and for pain control. (I was afraid of overdosing on acetaminophen with the current route that I was on.) I ended up sitting, waiting for a bed, for hours... twitching the whole while. It was kinda funny. What wasn't funny is that for the last hour or two I was in tears from the pain, weeping openly at a couple of points... but there was nothing they could do to help me until a bed opened up. Once they got me in, I saw a doctor and was injected with pain meds within the hour. I also got a referral to a neurologist, which is in the works.

The thing is, as relieved as I am to have gotten some help, it comes entangled with a whole host of other problems. Money problems. Health problems. Family problems. The implications of all of those.

I'm stressed, y'all.

1. Money- basic living expenses
2. Money- J's wedding
3. Money- medical bills
3a. Money/Health- prescription costs
4. Health- sickness, current and progressive
4a. Health- new symptoms
5. Health- diagnoses, current and possible
6. Health- pain control
7. Disability- to file or not?
8. Food stamps- do I qualify now?
9. Family- Mom and R divorcing

Can you tell I'm worried about money? lol. We're literally barely making ends meet. Stuff keeps breaking, like C's truck (or his battery), and we were already strapped because of the house and moving and all. Then we got the news that Mom and R are divorcing, and while I'm supportive of the decision, it means that my going on C's insurance a year earlier than planned is going to take $300 a month out of his paycheck. Oy. Not to mention that I have to get on his phone plan and his car insurance as well... Plus the added bills that living in an actual home means... C had it planned out well, but life happens, you know? Excrement transpires.

It's not that I'm worried, because I know we'll be okay, and worrying doesn't put money in your pocket, but it's just that... I guess I feel really badly because I'm the cause of a lot of these hikes in expenditures. I know that my medical bills are high. I know that it costs a lot to feed me. I know all this. I can't change it, but I know it... and it's awful. We've both cut out any unnecessary expenditures in our lives, but we're still just... barely making it. I've been trying to think of other things I can do to cut down expenses, like maybe buying less food, but I only get the basics, so... it's just expensive, not being able to buy the boxed and canned stuff. I feel helpless to make any meaningful, positive change to our situation.

And here's the kicker-- I wouldn't worry about it so much if we weren't also trying to save up several hundred dollars to make it up north in a month. I thought we could do it. I really did. And we could, if shit would stop breaking down! All of the several hundred that we'd allotted for the trip has gone to fix C's truck... the very thing that we need to have running to make the trip. Go figure. I'm tormented about this. I want to make the trip so bad, and I promised J that we would, even if we have to put it on my credit card, but I'm not sure I even have enough on my credit limit for that. Since R and Mom split, C has had to take over sole financial responsibility for my med bills. R gave me one last $80, but I've already had to put several prescriptions and copays on my credit card. I feel like I'm up a creek without a paddle here, and headed for a waterfall.

A lot of my torment is my promise to J (why, oh why did I make a promise?!), but I also really, really want to go back home again, if just for a visit. It won't be the same without D, of course, but I miss it so very badly... and I want to show C off. I want to show off the place to C, and C to everyone up there! lol.

I'm also still struggling with a loss of identity in several ways. Having this bad flare/migraine brought on by the heat shows me that I am, indeed, very heat sensitive now and can't afford to be out in it for long. That means that my dream of hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim, or at least to the bottom and back up, may very well be beyond the realm of possibility.

Damnit! Can't I have just one dream that doesn't get snatched away by my stupid health problems?! I don't even know if I can have kids, I can't hike anymore, I can't hold a job, I can barely drive myself around right now, I can't keep a spotless house... what is there left for me to do? I still sing, but you can only sing to yourself for so long before you go crazy. I write, clearly. I read, when I can. (Funny-- I took a book with me to the ER to pass the time, but then found I couldn't read because of the migraine! Hah.)

It's not that I don't love my life, because I do. I love my husband, and I am blown away by his commitment to take care of me. It flabbergasts me. I just hate the position that I put him in, having to work 7 days in a row because of the overtime he's taking to try to make it all work... and I feel like I can't contribute a thing.

That's not true. I'm going to work tomorrow, no matter how terrible I feel, because I need the money to buy groceries. C can't afford food until he gets paid. I think he had $7 when we last looked at it a few days ago. I'm glad that I have a boss that is understanding, because she also kicks ass with an autoimmune condition and intense chronic pain. We are quite the team, us two cripples. LOL.

I've taken enough pain killers to put down a small mammal, and I'm still at the place where I'd like to take more, because it's enough to make me squirm. I'm used to dealing with a lot of pain, but this is... ridiculous. At least I don't have the migraine as well. Just a shadow of a headache.

So I am grateful. But there are a lot of battles for me to fight, and I'm tired right alongside my grateful. I'd like to catch a financial break. I'd like to go to Id. I'd like to be cured. (I think.) I'd like it if my hobbies and dreams didn't keep getting crushed. I'd like a pain killer that actually does what it's supposed to do. I'd like cookies. I'd like a puppy to snuggle with. And while we're at it? I'd like temperate weather that I can enjoy without dying one way or another.

1 thoughts:

  • Crystal Thomas | July 12, 2013 at 5:36 AM

    Sometimes it is ok to break a promise. If who ever you are going to see doesn't understand why you can't make the trip then in my eyes you don't need them. Friends/Family should understand that sometimes life happens and some promises can't be kept.

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