Oh, brother...

There's some crazy stressful stuff potentially happening in my life right now... just as I was getting to a good place. Of course. But I suppose I'll take this as a "Challenge Accepted" and keep moving forward with life.

Friend M has been keeping me sane of late, helping me out a lot. (And affirming me! It's really nice!) It's difficult for me to move into a new friendship without feeling guilty about taking advantage of the other person. At least before there were concrete "things" that I could give back in a friendship, but now I feel like it's all just "I'm here for you, man!". LOL. But he says I'm good for him, healthy even, and I can say the same for him, so it's all good. We both have a fear of "leaning", of relying on others, because we've been burned so many times. This friendship could be an interesting experiment. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out. If I have my way, he'll stay a part of my inner circle for years to come. Honestly, I was surprised by the fact that he even became a part of my inner circle, because he was C's friend, or S's friend, first. I mean, he was just kind of... around. But as I began hanging out with other M, she incorporated him into our friendship, and so we then began building our own little friendship, and... I suppose that's just how these things go. It's been a while since I made a good guy friend, so I am a bit nervous. I love my husband, and  I want there to be no opportunity in my life for those "it just kind of happened" scenarios. Nope. C is first in my heart, and he will remain firmly entrenched there.

It's just that I have such a hard time building friendships with the opposite gender without sexualizing them in some way. It worked out well with C, because I was totally into him, but now that I'm not at SOULS and surrounded by really great guys who don't want any kind of relationship or anything like that, well... it's just... difficult. My guy friends up in Id were either married or way old, but they weren't part of my inner circle in any event. Of course, there is B, but we've been friends for like a decade, so he's just been there through everything. This is so new to meeeeeeeeee! Hope that M is up for the adventure. He's an only child (poor soul), so I've officially adopted him as a brother. No escape now. :) When I told C, he began laughing and plotting ways to tease M about it, as M predicted. I put a damper on that, though... I hope. Sorta. I know C will joke around with M about it, because that's just how they roll. Something about being beyond friend-zoned or something. I kept yelling at C, "But I'm married!" But I guess that has nothing to do with it. Guys. I dunno. Whatever.

So with the stress and the bad weather and subsequent high pain levels, I've been taking refuge in daydreams lately... Pinning quite a few things. It's kind of nice, actually. I'm enjoying myself. M has been driving me around the past few days, and we went Goodwill scouting one day, then checked out Burlington Coat Factory the next. It was really fun! I haven't really gotten out of the house with anyone besides C in a while, and having someone to window shop with just doesn't happen, not since J moved away. I miss her. :( But M doesn't mind my ADD-squirrel way of browsing, and while I was going nuts over lace dresses and super sparkle encrusted shoes, we carried on a deep and meaningful conversation. Also, he touches me. Not in a bad, creepy way, though I still feel my guard go up every time he does (the hackles just naturally rise when people touch me still), but it's just... strange. I realized that I do not touch or get touched very often, especially now that I'm not living with the S's, and I want to change that. Back when I was well enough to be massaging all of the time, I got more physical contact. Also, when S lived with us he'd approach me for random hugs. But M will just lay a hand on my arm or shoulder, and... it's really comforting. It reminds me of my bro back home, how he'll just walk up and hug me, or lay his head on my shoulder, or just randomly compliment and affirm you. He's a real sweetheart. I miss that kid.

I miss my family. I wish I could be there for them physically during this crazy stressful time. I wish that I could cook and clean for them, and play silly games and watch movies and scratch their backs and give them hugs and lounge on the bed with them and listen to stories and tell ridiculous jokes. But I can't. So I guess I'll have to love on the people around me in whatever capacity I can. I'm trying to do that-- to be more generous with myself. I'm a naturally selfish person. I want to curl inward and keep all my light and happiness and love for myself, while absorbing all of that from those around me as well. I'm incredibly self-centered. But I find that I also have this impulse to give... so it's a weird tug of war. And I want to give. I want to give more. People "look up at me" because I help run the agency, and I work with abused people, and I've totally been there, so I know what I'm doing, right? SO WRONG! I'm usually floundering, scared that I'm saying/doing the wrong thing...

Like with my friend D who won't accept help, though she is literally crying out for it all day long. I don't know how I can give to her, and it breaks my heart. She won't take the help. She won't take our hands. We could help pull her from the pit of darkness, ease the jagged shards of pain from her flesh and soothingly wash her wounds. I would do that for her. The people at group would do that for her. We want to do that for her. But she turns away, burrowing further into her dank iron cage of isolation, anxiety, and bitter saltwater memories. She won't stop drinking poison, though I would gladly take the bottle from her hands.

Ahhh, life. It's one turn of the maze after another. How could I ever have thought that there's a "right" way to do life, as in a set of blueprints? It is far to complex and organic and shifting for that.

So anyway... expect more daydreams here. More memories. I've been thinking on happy memories lately, the good times I've had... and I want to write them down, so I don't lose them. I'm losing so much when it comes to memory lately that I'm almost afraid of losing who I am and where I've been. Not really, but it's a lurking shadow fear far off in the distance. Is this what people in the beginning stages of dementia face? Scary.

So I have a new brother. And I'm happy about that. And I'm trying to reach out to friends while still staying within my physical capacity. I'm having C over for tea on Friday :) It's going to be fun!

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