Warrior on my back

While we were at the mechanic's, paying C's bill, we ended up in a conversation with the owner and his son. The owner is friends with C's dad, R, and he was remarking on how much C is like R. I totally agree, but I don't mind because R is good people and I like him. (The main character of Farscape reminds me so much of R!) When the owner asked what I did for a living, I had to explain about the fibro, and I got the typical, "You look perfectly healthy" response. C was explaining how I don't know from day to day how I'll be, and there are some days that I can't even make it out of bed. The owner understood because his wife has chronic back pain problems and sometimes can't make it out of bed either.

It just struck me how "bad" it really is when I heard C explaining me. It didn't really occur to me that, yeah, there are days I'm stuck in bed, and that's not normal. But when I heard someone else say it, I realized that no, it's not normal. I've just gotten so used to my life... I realize how weird it is to try to figure out when to take a pain killer, because I'm literally always in pain, so it's a question of "can I handle this level, or do I need a pain killer to bring it back to a more bearable level?" Since I went off of my meds (can't afford the Savella, and we thought the gabapentin was what making me twitch, which wasn't the case apparently), I have been in excruciating amounts of pain. I thought it was bad before? No way. Being untreated for a week showed me how bad the fibro's gotten, with the help of its autoimmune buddies... and I'm so grateful that I'm back on the gaba. Every day is a little less pain.

Today, however, I'm quite weak and dizzy, and I have a baby migraine. It's not full-blown, but it's enough to be painful and annoying. It's almost easier to be a "warrior" when you're fighting intense pain, because it's something you can focus your anger and frustration on and kind of push off of it into greater heights of determination. When you're confined to the couch because you are falling over when you get up, though, it's harder to wrap your mind around that and use it to fuel your determination. At least, it is for me. Maybe because the pain is a constant, so I'm used to it. It's almost a tangible object to me. I have weapons: pain killers, stretching, yoga, deep breathing, sex, distractions by movies and such. With the weakness and dizziness... I don't have any weapons for that. I don't know how to cope with it any other way than by resting and riding it out. I can't get out of bed today.

But I need to realize that in resting and riding it out, that is my weapon. I am battling. I am warrior-ing while flat on my back. I'm still breathing, I'm still smiling, and I'm still happy with my life. I've won.

It would be easy to focus on and give into bitterness, because I'm too young for this. I hear it all the time... "You're too young for this." I know. I know. I'm only 25. I could let the unfairness fester... or I can take it in stride and realize that everyone has a battle to fight. Life is all about "warrior-ing" in our own particular ways. This is my fight, and I'll fight as well as I can. If I fight well, then I can enjoy the rest.

So, today... I am a warrior on my back, and I'm winning.




I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

0 thoughts:

Post a Comment