The irony does not escape me.

I thought I was done, but I guess not. Today, I was going to think about why it freaks me out so much not to have a vehicle. That will commence in a moment. First off, I just realized how totally ironic it is that I just read the book "Frenemy Fire" last week, and now I'm experiencing "frenemy fire" of a sort. (A "frenemy"is someone who is supposed to be a friend, but acts like an enemy.) Anyway, I guess I'll have to browse through that book again, and gain some insights into how to handle this.

It's SNOWING!! More snow than I've ever seen in my life! You should see my car...

Okay, just kidding. It is alot of snow, though (for a girl from Yuma).

So, even if my car weren't broken, I still wouldn't be able to drive it. But I realized yesterday that I do not like not being able to drive. It really freaks me out. Why? Not entirely sure... but as I assess the emotions (antsy, restless, slightly panicky), I realize that there's more to this than just "I need this car to get to work". I think it has something to do with, again, losing my livelihood... with failure... with letting people down... And also with the inability to escape, or leave, should I choose to. I am now entirely dependent upon others to get me places... and I hate that. It's as though my very freedom has been taken from me by force, by an unseen, unknowable thing that I cannot fight against.

I'm also wondering if my Provider didn't touch it and break it for me (temporarily) so that I wouldn't attempt to drive on the icy roads and perhaps lose my life?

Without my car, I cannot get places... I cannot work. I cannot do what I am supposed to do. It's like I'm paralyzed. It's like the end of Bible Work all over again (not as emotionally charged, though, thankfully). I can't do what I'm supposed to do, and I hate it, but I'm paralyzed.

Fortunately, this week is a holiday week, so everything is cancelled. Phew. But next week...

0 thoughts:

Post a Comment