Kitteh luv

It's hard to be upset in any way when you have an adorable kitten falling all over herself for your attention. I love it. Emily reminds me of Juneaux in some ways, but she is so her own individual personality.

Went to work for B this afternoon. Found out that I botched (yet another) job. It's probably not so bad as I feel that it is, because I hate failure and letting people down so much... but I feel like I walked away from the day with a big, red FAIL across my forehead. I'm costing B money he can't afford to lose. *sigh* Am I really an asset? Or am I a handicap? Sometimes, I'm not so sure.

But, God brought a promise to mind as I thought about it later--Psalm 37: 23, 24--"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, and He delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the LORD upholdeth him with His hand."

Racquetball was good, though. I played, for the first time in over a month (broke my foot), and it was a great release for my tensions. I think I did pretty well, considering my skill level before I left, and the amount of time that's elapsed since then.

Instead of going over our script, I introduced a couple of activities and tied it all together with faith--what Christian and Hopeful had to have in order to use the key of promise. I think they had fun, and I hope, hope, hope that the message hit home. Sometimes (alot of times) I feel quite inadequate and insecure facing our youth group. It's like, do they even want to be here? Are they here because I'm somehow pressuring them into it? Are they getting anything out of this? Am I really just babbling and not making sense, but they're nodding anyway? AM I DOING OK??

I guess it's a mixture of pride--wanting to do well, to seem well, and to accomplish-- and a mixture of genuine concern about my friends. Yes, they are my friends. It's more than, okay, time to go work with the "youth", although that's sorta what it started as... but now, they're my friends. I want the best for them. And I DON'T want them in any way to go through a "spiritual" experience because they are simply trying to please someone, or because they feel pressured. I just feel so... inept. Am I really doing the right thing? Is this working? Like the Pilgrim's Progress thing... Is this just my idea I'm hoisting onto them? L was SO excited... but now he doesn't even come. So... yeah. I just don't know.

I have this burden, this burning in my heart for the young people here in our church, yet I feel so ineffective and powerless to help them. *sigh* Oh, El Shaddai... provide for their needs... whether it's through me or not.

And also, it's like... well... I went to a Bible college, right? And now I know all this stuff, right? So what the heck am I supposed to do with it?? Quite frankly, I didn't learn as much as it seems I did. A lot of stuff went right over my head as I was busy trying to figure out how to survive 'till the next day (emotionally speaking). And also, if you're not witnessing, then you're a dead Christian, right? But I have such a bad taste in my mouth for "witnessing" now! I loathe the very thought of it. But I know I'm supposed to be doing it. So this is my way of "letting my light shine" (whatever light I have, that is), and if this, too, is a bomb, well... then... yeah. I don't know how to express in words the sense of keen disappointment, fear, and self-loathing that prospect arouses within me. It's almost like, why keep trying if it's all gonna flop?

And quite frankly, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that, after all my years of going to school are done, and I'm out actually doing what I believe God is asking me to do, that I'll find out, hey, you can't actually help these people. You STILL don't know what to say when someone has a problem. You are too much like them, too close to their location to be able to point them higher. Tough luck, kid.

NO! I refuse!! God's callings are His enablings! He WILL give me what I need to help other people! Go away, you dumb fears! If He's asking me to do it, he surely won't just leave me to my devices. That's not like him. That's like the god of canvassing I learned to worship. That's what he'd do. But my El Shaddai? My Yahweh? Never. For he has said unto me, My grace is enough for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. It is when you are weak that you are truly strong.

May I ever remember this. Because, really... I am weak. It would be so much easier to just... walk away. Use my weakness as an occasion for abandonment... rather than an opportunity for empowerment.

Whoever has said that Christianity is a crutch is a fool. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

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