12-23: Dashed Hopes?

Well, I didn’t sleep well last night. And, quite frankly, I miss my “life”. I miss my routines. I  didn’t really realize before that at least half of what makes a day worthwhile are the people that are a part of it. I love my family- don’t get me wrong. It’s just different. In addition, I’m here for a different purpose... I’m here on vacation. This is NOT everyday life. I don’t have to accomplish anything. I just need to enjoy my family. So far, that involves watching alot of movies together, and then sprinkling phrases from the movie liberally throughout our conversations. We’ve always gotten a huge kick out of that. In fact, we sometimes have whole conversations in quotes. Some people think that’s wrong. Some people think I ought to try and change it. But that’s how my family operates. We have for years, and they do while I’m gone... it’s a link that binds all our separate lives and interests together. And my family is not to the point that they can really operate without that link. Perhaps someday. Someday soon, I hope. For vacation, it’s kindof a nice little diversion. But for everyday life? It’s... depressing. I couldn’t live like this.
But I am very proud of my family. I see a ton of growth. There are still flaws, tensions.. lots of bad moods and petty arguments, to be sure... but it’s way better than it was. And the tension and anger that formerly existed between Mom and R is dissolved. They actually love each other now, and they work as a team. It’s a sight to behold. I’m so happy!
As far as dashed hopes, well... I just had built this trip up in my mind, is all. We’d all be deliriously happy all the time, with no tension whatsoever. I’d have no emotions to process through except joy, and we’d all just get along famously. Well, as we all know, those kinds of hopes are unrealistic. I didn’t even really know they were there until I was disappointed to not be experiencing “the dream”. Honestly, I’m struggling a bit here with some depression, and so is Mom. I don’t really know how to reach out to the family members as I’d like to, and it’s really easy here to escape to something else when you don’t want to face up to something.
At least I’m not under my own condemning finger anymore. I’m still... down, somewhat. But I also think that’s natural and normal to happen after all the stress leading up to the travels, and the travels themselves, and the reorienting and all that... So I’m not too worried. My mantra for this trip is, after all, to just chill and enjoy my family. So that I will do.

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