Fearful Mountain Woman

It's late, and I'm wiped. I have work tomorrow, so I'll have to be up early. However, if I've learned one thing, it's that if I don't record my thoughts at the time, they usually won't get expressed.

1. I think I qualify as "mountain woman" now, something I really, really wanted when I moved up here. What gives me this qualification? The simple fact that I park at the "bottom of the hill" (in other words, out at the main road) and haul my stuff back and forth on a toboggan now. It only takes about 10-15 minutes down, but it takes twice that coming up (for now), because of the steepness of the driveway.

2. Fearful. I've realized that I'm afraid of romantic relationships. For all the yearning that I have to be in a relationship, I'm pretty paralyzed by the thought. I think there are a few things contributing. One is that I've been really messed up by past relationships. In addition to that, my last one was purely awful. (Okay, maybe not purely. More like dilutedly.) Secondly, I'm fearful that to get into a relationship would either halt or undo all the progress I've worked so hard for. Thirdly, I'm afraid of what I would do if I were to be in a relationship. The emotions that go along with romance are so heady that I might lose all common sense and make a huge mistake. (just... like... last time) Fourthly, I don't want to feel like I need anyone else. I want to keep my independence.

Anyway, just a few thoughts that came to me this evening. Must sleep. Shall be zombie tomorrow.


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