I'm so grateful to have cats. Last night I had horrible nightmares, and it was sweet Emily who came into my room and woke me up to pet her (which usually REALLY annoys me, but this time I was so very grateful to escape from my dreams). And just now my "son", Juneaux, came into my room to cuddle with me. It was just what I needed to settle me anxious heart.
That's not the realization, though.
After I had prayed from healing from my relationship with C, something was different inside my heart. Maybe just the act of praying for freedom was a step forward in and of itself? Either way, something was different. Then came the realization of C's brokenness. As I tried to explain these things to my friend Julie, as well to my group, I could tell that there was a bigger thought behind these things that I was trying to articulate, but couldn't quite figure out. Then, on the way home from group on Friday, it hit me.
C IS NO LONGER LARGER THAN LIFE.
This may be hard to understand, but I realized that he's just been this... giant. He was my life... for years. And our dysfunctions matched each other extremely well--like the two halves of a friendship charm. (Which gave birth to the thought, "we're perfect for each other! the relationship was so good!)
So, in my head, he's a giant. He's an intrinsic part of my past, and not one I want to get rid of, either. I loved him as deeply as I was capable of. Even in the throes of the relationship, and certainly in the favorable light of reminiscence, he was always wiser, smarter, more mature, more capable, stronger, more daring, more exciting, and just all around a step above myself. In my head, he wasn't a person anymore. He was the embodiment of... something. Maybe what I thought I was missing out on? I don't really know.
What I do know is that, when I recognized his pain and brokenness, I realized... he's a person. He's a person with a broken heart, just like me. And suddenly, the spell was broken. He shrank down to people-size, with people-motivations and actions and reactions... I see now that he, too, was acting out of his brokenness. He certainly reacted differently than I did, but it was still there.
Oh, my. You don't know how free I feel. I've been weighted down with chains that I couldn't see. Now, they've been lightened, and I feel like I can run for the first time!
I've also been reflecting on the future. It's coming quickly--more quickly than I had anticipated. I realize that this season of my life is drawing to a close. I can't camp out here forever... though I almost think I would like to. This intense healing session has been really hard, but very, very worthwhile. There are so many things in my past that I look at and cringe, or that I quickly "close the window" to, because I'm embarrassed by them. I speak of decisions I've made and had to live with. (Like my last relationship, for example... I try not to think about it.) However, I know that I will be able to look back on this period of my life with a smile.
There have been so many tears... so much pain... but I can now say that, for the first time, I'm happy. Not happy because my emotions are on that side of the spectrum. I mean, I enjoy that just like everyone else. No, I'm a different sort of happy... I'm happy inside, way down deep somewhere. Do they call that "at peace", maybe? I'm satisfied. I'm content. I am worthwhile. I am part of something bigger, and not as a wart. I'm actually enjoying life, rather than just trying to survive it by hopping from one happy-emotion-producing thing to another. Even when I have nightmares, and I wake up wanting to throw up because I feel so vile and violated and just gross through every fiber of my being... I have a view of reality that keeps those bad things from taking over my life, my thoughts, or my day.
I'm not just doing what I think other people will think is right so that I can get the approval I need to keep my soul from starving. I'm not just drifting aimlessly through life, hoping to stumble across happiness. I'm not mentally pointing fingers and ripping people to shreds for being different than I think they should be... or ripping myself to shreds because I want to strip off the facade and be like the person I'm ripping to shreds... (as much. Still working on that.) I'M A REAL PERSON NOW.
As I look to the future, I see this part of my life coming to a close. It's bittersweet. New things are always scary, and they inherently carry the risk of failure. I'm comfortable here, in my little cocoon... I've got a rhythm going. But this can't be forever. I'd eventually die. The butterfly can't stay in the cocoon forever, or it will starve.
As I look to the future, I see the possibilities... and as I look to the recent past, I see the growth. You know what I feel like? Like this:
Yep. Like a flower, bursting into bloom.
And about the nightmares? Check this:
"Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." {1 John 4:4}
I know where they come from. But I can tell you that the very poison of those putrid emotions coursing through me is even more cause for me to run the other way. It will not destroy me- rather, it will motivate me. I'm done serving out of fear. My allegiance can only be bought with love.
That's not the realization, though.
After I had prayed from healing from my relationship with C, something was different inside my heart. Maybe just the act of praying for freedom was a step forward in and of itself? Either way, something was different. Then came the realization of C's brokenness. As I tried to explain these things to my friend Julie, as well to my group, I could tell that there was a bigger thought behind these things that I was trying to articulate, but couldn't quite figure out. Then, on the way home from group on Friday, it hit me.
C IS NO LONGER LARGER THAN LIFE.
This may be hard to understand, but I realized that he's just been this... giant. He was my life... for years. And our dysfunctions matched each other extremely well--like the two halves of a friendship charm. (Which gave birth to the thought, "we're perfect for each other! the relationship was so good!)
So, in my head, he's a giant. He's an intrinsic part of my past, and not one I want to get rid of, either. I loved him as deeply as I was capable of. Even in the throes of the relationship, and certainly in the favorable light of reminiscence, he was always wiser, smarter, more mature, more capable, stronger, more daring, more exciting, and just all around a step above myself. In my head, he wasn't a person anymore. He was the embodiment of... something. Maybe what I thought I was missing out on? I don't really know.
What I do know is that, when I recognized his pain and brokenness, I realized... he's a person. He's a person with a broken heart, just like me. And suddenly, the spell was broken. He shrank down to people-size, with people-motivations and actions and reactions... I see now that he, too, was acting out of his brokenness. He certainly reacted differently than I did, but it was still there.
Oh, my. You don't know how free I feel. I've been weighted down with chains that I couldn't see. Now, they've been lightened, and I feel like I can run for the first time!
I've also been reflecting on the future. It's coming quickly--more quickly than I had anticipated. I realize that this season of my life is drawing to a close. I can't camp out here forever... though I almost think I would like to. This intense healing session has been really hard, but very, very worthwhile. There are so many things in my past that I look at and cringe, or that I quickly "close the window" to, because I'm embarrassed by them. I speak of decisions I've made and had to live with. (Like my last relationship, for example... I try not to think about it.) However, I know that I will be able to look back on this period of my life with a smile.
There have been so many tears... so much pain... but I can now say that, for the first time, I'm happy. Not happy because my emotions are on that side of the spectrum. I mean, I enjoy that just like everyone else. No, I'm a different sort of happy... I'm happy inside, way down deep somewhere. Do they call that "at peace", maybe? I'm satisfied. I'm content. I am worthwhile. I am part of something bigger, and not as a wart. I'm actually enjoying life, rather than just trying to survive it by hopping from one happy-emotion-producing thing to another. Even when I have nightmares, and I wake up wanting to throw up because I feel so vile and violated and just gross through every fiber of my being... I have a view of reality that keeps those bad things from taking over my life, my thoughts, or my day.
I'm not just doing what I think other people will think is right so that I can get the approval I need to keep my soul from starving. I'm not just drifting aimlessly through life, hoping to stumble across happiness. I'm not mentally pointing fingers and ripping people to shreds for being different than I think they should be... or ripping myself to shreds because I want to strip off the facade and be like the person I'm ripping to shreds... (as much. Still working on that.) I'M A REAL PERSON NOW.
As I look to the future, I see this part of my life coming to a close. It's bittersweet. New things are always scary, and they inherently carry the risk of failure. I'm comfortable here, in my little cocoon... I've got a rhythm going. But this can't be forever. I'd eventually die. The butterfly can't stay in the cocoon forever, or it will starve.
As I look to the future, I see the possibilities... and as I look to the recent past, I see the growth. You know what I feel like? Like this:
Yep. Like a flower, bursting into bloom.
And about the nightmares? Check this:
"Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." {1 John 4:4}
I know where they come from. But I can tell you that the very poison of those putrid emotions coursing through me is even more cause for me to run the other way. It will not destroy me- rather, it will motivate me. I'm done serving out of fear. My allegiance can only be bought with love.
0 thoughts: