Scenario X

I'm going through a lot of material in preparation for group. I'm finding some GREAT exercises, but, alas... I realize that I also must do them myself.

In a text convo with my bestie J, I came to an interesting realization about a mindset that I carry with me (mostly) unnoticed.

Imagine scenario x is happening. Well, I find out tomorrow whether x is happening or not. And though it is by all accounts reasonable that x is indeed a reality, I'm afraid that I'm making it all up, that the universe is playing a joke on me, and that I'm just going to end up looking stupid. OR I'm afraid that x is happening, but will all fall apart at a later date.


Because I want x. I really do. And I'm excited by the possibilities and opportunities and plain ol' joy that will accompany the onset of x.

And my fear is directly proportional to my hope.

I guess I just feel that, because I want it, I'm probably not going to get it. It won't happen. Other people enjoy x all the time, but it will somehow elude me, always. It's like I don't deserve it.

And I know that mindset is false-- I deserve happiness just as much as the next person! I recognize it, though, from my days of intense Christianity. Back then, though, it was God on the other side of that equation. The Christian life, to me, was this: if I want it, it's bad, and it will not happen. Anything that I want is a bad thing and to be avoided. If I hate it, it's probably safe.

Backwards? I think so.

I think it's another one of those things I picked up from that delightful place known as childhood.

So... fingers crossed for scenario x! I really hope this works out...

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