Goodbye, English 101.

I wish I never had these "crashing" times. My body takes it so hard... my digestive system, in particular. It's like everything I eat trips some sort of internal trigger that causes discomfort and pain. Mer.

On the bright side (if you can call it that), I've decided to drop English class. I'll lose about $600 on my Pell grant money, but that's okay. For me, it's worth the cost (especially in the grand scheme of $2700 dollars awarded). I *may* even get refunded for the class. I just finally realized that what I'm trying to do with my schedule is not sustainable for me. Yes, it took a complete collapse to realize it, but once it got through my thick skull, I also realized that things aren't going to be slowing down any. Schoolwork will be getting more difficult, more involved, and more frequent, not to mention the fact that I'll soon be working 20+ hours a week... I'm not KW. I can't pull this off, as much as my pride depends on it.

Yes, I'd like to be superwoman. But I have to know my limitations if I want to live at least a somewhat decent life. My body operates differently than those of others... and no matter how much I hate, despise, detest, and deplore my body and its limitations, I must acknowledge them. To neglect those boundaries, well... is to end up in bed on a Tuesday and never make it back out.

I realized today, too, that my depression is very closely linked to my health and energy status. I was doing alright, flying by *relatively* depression free, but when that knockout came, it was like someone flipped a light switch. I've been weepy and irritable and despondent and despairing and tired the last twenty four hours.

Deciding to drop English has given me an unexpected boost, however. I feel like my load has been lightened. Life feels doable again, now that I know I won't be walking the same taut tightrope of work and homework and studying and no time for anything but school stuff (literally) and no time for myself because that's not important because I have this essay to study for and this test coming up and this math homework to do and I have to make lunches for this week but I could also be studying while I do that and sorry I've become such a distant b****, but I'm really just focused on what I'm doing here...

That decision, combined with my 100% on my A&P test, put me in a really... light and splurgy type of mood. I went out and spent thirteen bucks on sushi (which was phenomenal) because I was hungry and I wanted it. I thought about watching a movie, but ended up in the bath with a book because my abdominal cavity is hurting so badly after eating. I didn't eat anything bad, but my body doesn't know that. (How much you want to bet that I'm allergic to my own digestive juices? Hmmm? That's probably what all this fuss is about...)

Tomorrow, I'll fill out the drop form and be ten zillion pounds lighter. Not stretched taut and thumpingly tight like a drum skin.

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