I overdid it yesterday.

See, that's the thing about life... you live and learn! :)

I did very, very well about not overdoing it the other day, and I was trying not to yesterday, but I over/underestimated a few factors that threw everything off... such as how much being in the sun will take out of you. It's one thing to walk around for an hour and a half indoors, but it's another thing entirely to walk around for the same amount of time under the unblinking gaze of the sun. I'll admit that I forgot sunscreen and got toasted-- I'm hoping to rectify those burn lines before I wear my strapless wedding dress!! lol

So I came home thoroughly exhausted yesterday, and totally cranky... and as the day went on, I felt worse and worse. It wasn't too bad until I cleaned out my colon. I felt like I really needed it, but I think it was too much of a stressor to my body, because I pretty much lost it after that. I felt horrible. Fibro fever, ho! Achy, feverish (but no raised temp, as usual), nausea, soooo tired, cranky... it was terrible!

I realized that it had been about 11 hours since I'd last taken a pain pill, and I was feeling so badly that C encouraged me to take one so I could fall asleep.

Honestly, I was feeling so flkjakjbroiejlkshoijt that I wasn't even interested in sex. I know, I know, crazy, right?! It was that bad. C came to bed early with me, because he was tired from the busy day as well. I had gone to bed a little before him, and was already dozed off when he joined me, but after we were all cuddled up he began making definite advances. I was *this* close to turning him down, but then I thought about it and realized that spending a little "special time" (as J calls it-- so cute!) would probably be beneficial to my situation and make me feel better. Sure enough, I felt SO much better when all was said and done! I mean, think about it-- it produces neurochemicals that are natural mood lifters and pain killers; it promotes movement, deep breathing, and elevates your heart rate, all of the things that are present in exercise (it is very, very important while you're in a flare to get at least a little exercise, even if you don't feel like it); in our case, it also promotes stretching and muscle strengthening. So I knew that it would be beneficial for me, and it's pretty easy for me to "get in the mood", so I just went with it, if only for the seratonin, endorphins, and oxytocin.

I was a little saddened to find that, for the first time, I experienced some pain during our special time that was clearly fibro pain. It wasn't enough to deter me, but I have read accounts from many, many people that fibromyalgia destroyed their sex life. I will not let that happen to me! Even if my libido decreases (which it has, lately), I know that I will be fine once we get started. Others have stated that the pain is too great for them to engage in sexual activity, and after last night I can begin to understand that. However, I recently purchased a book about sex and disability, and though I haven't read it yet, the back of the book assures me that it contains ideas for positions that "minimize pain and maximize pleasure". I figured it'd be useful as I'm trying to wrap my mind around my "new life", in all aspects.

I'm still preparing for our honeymoon, though. I haven't practiced my striptease at all, because I haven't had the energy, but I have practiced some of it while wearing other clothes. It was while dancing to my chosen song that I realized I don't need a fully choreographed dance, just a few basic moves that I can throw in there. I can dance well enough that I can do it on the spur of the moment, and it will be fine. Besides... I'm sure C won't be analyzing my dance routine for flaws!

I also picked up my honeymoon bikini the other day. The lighting in the stores is terrible! It highlighted every. single. flaw. and I felt really, really gross. I figured that C would probably start running the other direction! (Then I remembered that he sees me unclothed on a regular basis and isn't horrified, so the mirror must be lying... hehe.) I figured it would look better once I tried it on at home, in normal light, and I was right.

See? Totally not horrifying. Not bad, actually. It helps that the fibro has messed with my appetite, so I've lost weight, plus yoga is helping me to tone up and slim down. It's my legs that I'm SO self-conscious of! I have cellulite dips and bumps, and jiggly thighs. But you know what? C doesn't mind, so neither do I! I accept him with his flaws, though I don't really see them... I think he is very, very good looking, and I tell him that on a regular basis.

Oh, suuuuuper cute... Just have to share a couple of adorable things C has done lately :)

When he climbed into bed the other night, I woke up and snuggled up to him. I was chilly, and he was very warm, so I said, "Mmmmmm, you're warm..." He cuddled closer to me and said, "Mmmmmm, you're temperate...." LOL!

Then, yesterday as we were running errands, I saw a billboard for one of the "gentleman's clubs" (i.e. strip club) here in town, and I asked C if he'd ever let me be a stripper. He gave an emphatic, "NO!" (though I AM allowed to be a waitress, should I so choose, which I won't), and I asked why not. He said, "I'm crazy jealous! I'd show up every night and make sure that you didn't make any money at all, 'cause I wouldn't let the other guys get close to you or look at you. I'd be up there in front, just throwing your allowance at you, one dollar at a time." I thought that was hilarious, the mental image of him giving me my allowance one dollar at a time to keep the other guys away.

Oh, and the best one? Last night, when he joined me in bed and was all cuddled up to me, I said something about how I felt terrible. He pulled me close and said, "You don't look that way." Awwww! Brownie points ;) I gave him a reward kiss lol.

So, life is good, despite the pain and whatnot. I feel optimistic today, which is nice. I know, feelings come and go, but I'm going to enjoy the good feelings while they're here.

It's funny... how certain struggles take the spotlight in your life at certain times, you know? At one point, my major struggle was working through the issues I picked up from being abused. I still struggle with them, but in different ways, I think. Now, instead of focusing on the issues specifically, I end up addressing them in a more holistic way, whole-system, because my health is so affected by what's going on with my emotions. Of course, going to group still helps me hone in on certain issues that need my attention. But right now, my fight is mostly fibro and other health issues, and that's what I'm focused on. Any emotional pain caused by my past is dwarfed by the physical pain caused by my present, so that's what is my main battle and my main focus right now.

So, back to Blue Planet and wedding stuffs! I'm cutting out those little pixelated hearts, but holding scissors hurts my hands, so I can only do a couple at a time.

Ohhhhh! I'm watching baby sea turtles be born!... and eaten. Mer.

Run, little sea turtle! Run!!

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