Bad envy

Is it bad that I totally envy my mother, who checked herself into the behavioral health unit of the local hospital on Friday?

I've realized that I really miss being a full-on theist, for the simple fact that I don't want to be alone when bad things happen. I want someone I can depend on, lean on, and who will take care of me. That's supposed to be God, right? Because the idea is that, no matter what crap you're going through, you're somehow being preserved from something even more terrible or evil. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to depend on myself to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

I want to be taken care of when I'm at my low points, like this past week.

Mom told the family not to say anything until she told me herself, because she was afraid it would push me over the edge. I am touched by her concern, and I can understand it. There's a hell of a lot going on in my life right now.

And I wish that I could check myself out of life and into a place where they'd give me painkillers and mind killers and help me work through my sadness. I totally would, too, were it not for money... and the fact that they'd probably not know what to feed me at all.

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