Beyond caring tonight

Well... how about that.

Just when I've got one thing to dread, another one rears its ugly head, eh?

Life's been full of emotional ups and downs in just the past few days. Had an "intervention" of sorts with a friend who is in crazy bad crisis mode, a fellow abuse survivor. Her ex has been trying to help her through it and fix her I think, but it's not been effective. From what any and all of us can tell, it's a scenario that is terrible for both of them. I could go into further detail and thoughts about that, but... I won't. The whole situation frustrates me and I'm just like... meh. I took her to group with me after a panicked, sobbing phone call the night before where I spent half an hour trying to help her cope with her flashbacks. I hung up hoping against hope that she wouldn't try suicide that night, because I'd already called the cops on her the week before for that reason but she ran away so they couldn't help her.

When I took her to group, it seemed as though she was just... not there. She didn't want to be there, she wasn't listening, and during the loooooong (too long, in my opinion! I wish that the facilitator talking to her had wrapped it up SO much sooner!) crisis intervention conversation afterward her most common words were, "I don't know". We offered her all of the options that we could, but she refused to take any of them. She asked for help, yet she does not want help. It is truly baffling to me.

If you are in the amount of pain that leads you to meaningfully say that you want to kill yourself and that you might try it, then why the hell wouldn't you grasp the lifelines being offered to you?! I've been through experiences similar to hers, I know a pain similar to hers, and I've been in a dark place much like the dark place she is in now... but the difference is that I chose change. I chose to accept help. I didn't turn away and burrow further into my pain (uh, well, at least not on the overall scale of things).

I just don't get it. And I don't have the capacity to try, honestly. I've got too much of my own stuff going on, and frankly, I'm not codependent any longer. I am not responsible for my friend's choices, as bad as I may perceive them to be and as much as I might like her take a certain path. I have done my best to help her. The decision is hers. She needs to act like the adult that she is and take responsibility for herself, her future, and her emotional health. I can't do that for her, and I don't even want to try.

So there's that. And then there's the memorial this weekend that I'm dreading/stressing over. It's not just that I don't want to face the mountain of pain and grief that I know is waiting for me, but it's also that I already feel like the odd one out. I'm family... but not really. So I'm included... but not quite. 'Cause he's my dad... except he's not. Talking with C on the phone this morning brought out hints of the awkward isolation that I may experience this weekend, but I'm hoping it's just unlikely negative projections brought on by stress. I really musn't go into this expecting the worst, because that'll be what I find.

Just found out --via Facebook, of all places-- that my parents really are divorcing. R's moving out temporarily until Mom can find a place to move to. Great. Thanks for keeping me in the familial loop, guys. Whatever. I don't have the emotional capacity to grieve that right now. I'm a little preoccupied grieving the parent that, you know, stuck around.

Sorry. I'm a little angry. I'm just so effing done with the roller coaster ride of my parent's dysfunctional relationship and what it does to our family. I guess I should be happy. And no matter if they're divorced or not, R is still my dad... so... I dunno. Too much emotional complication there.

My body hurts. Still. Again. Whatever. I'm so beyond able to care about anything anymore tonight.

Good night.

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