Father's Day

Father's day is coming up soon.

It's got me thinking a little... about fathers, and my apparent lack of.

The subject is one that rouses a deep sadness within me. I feel cheated, abandoned, used, greatly disappointed, and slightly confused, all at the same time. The confusion is due to not really knowing what a real dad is or is all about, so I'm not exactly sure what I'm missing out on, but I'm pretty positive it's something great.

I know I'm not alone in being dad-less. It's an epidemic. It's also something that my children will never experience. Both C and I are determined that our children will never suffer the fates that we did, either of us. Our children will know that they are loved by both of us, and that they have the stability of a home life and the security of care, no matter what our economic situation.

Just the thought of that makes me want to cry, because although I desperately want to give that to my hypothetical children, I ache and grieve inside that I never had that, and I want it so badly. Inside, I'm still a sad, uncertain little girl who longs for affection, acceptance, and security.

So Father's Day. It brings out the little girl in me, and the sadness in me... because although I have two fathers to send cards to... I don't think I have a dad to celebrate. Not anymore.

It all comes down to semantics. A father is someone who breeds a child. "He fathered a child." A daddy is the loving, caring role model of a child. A dad is the strong, caring, dependable caretaker, the one who is involved in his child's life and gives advice and teaches things and lets his love be known in whatever form that takes for him.

I have a father, but T is more of a friend than a dad, at least at this point. R is the person I claim as my dad, but he's ready to walk away from all of us at this point, and I feel viscerally betrayed and cheated. D was a dad, but now he's dead.

Father's day sucks.

Maybe, in protest, I won't buy a single card this year. That'll show 'em.



0 thoughts:

Post a Comment