Affirmation and Boundaries

I just have to remember something really nice that my friend M said yesterday. I mean, it wasn't nice in context if he had actually said it to the person he thought about saying it to, but it was nice when he told me about it.

He and his girlfriend, who is also a friend of mine and kind of part of "the circle", recently broke up. She already has issues (as do we all) and is taking it really hard, dealing with severe depression and self-worth issues, etc. They remain in contact, so she calls him when she's struggling and he goes over there to talk to her, or talks to her on the phone. Anyway, he spent an hour on the phone with her yesterday, and he's really getting tired of trying to be her savior, so he told other friend M and I that he thought about saying this particular rant to her, but he didn't because he knew it would break her.

What he felt like telling her was this:
"I know you've gone through some tough times and had some bad stuff happen to you in your life, and I know you don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning, but you know who doesn't feel like getting out of bed even more? Cassie. But she does, and she kicks ass every day. And she calls us up and says, "Hey, I'm feeling really crappy, but do you want to come over anyway?", and we do, because she made the effort. And what do you do? You stay at home and cry."

So, yes, while it would be totally mean to say that to someone struggling with severe depression (and I understand it's born of his frustration with her and the situation), it's also nice to realize that my friends feel that way about me. I didn't realize that they consider my getting out of bed and putting forth effort kicking ass, but they do... and it's pretty affirming.

These same friends have been so good in the wake of my grief, and even before that, during my last grapple with depression. They come over and just hang out with me at my house, and we have a great time. They scold me when I start throwing spoons away and going a little bit manic with my "I have to get stuff done" mindset, and they remind me to take my meds, and they drink tea with me, and most of all they just let me talk and swear and yell and just be myself in whatever capacity I need to at any point in time. I was worried for a while that I wouldn't make good friends here like I did up in ID with the S's or K, or like J from Souls, but... these guys are well on the way to being that kind of friend. I'm really grateful that these kind of people exist all over the place.

Also, I set boundaries with the God-bully again, a continuation of standing up for myself at M's memorial last night. I got a text message from them (they've employed this method before), which I was planning to ignore, but C pointed out that this is a great opportunity to set boundaries because they're an "easy target" for this kind of thing. He's right. I can set boundaries with little to no repercussions with this person, because it's not like we have consistent communication anyway.

Text said: "Cassie, I hope I didn't say anything offensive to you last night. And I wonder if you and I could do 'They That Go Down To The Sea' sometime as a duet for church? You could play your guitar and sing melody and I could sing harmony. Keep in touch, OK?"

I responded with: "If you feel the need to say something, then you already know you said something offensive. I do not appreciate being bullied into attending church, especially using god as a pretext."

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I've shared
And these are my dreams
That I'd never lived before
Somebody shake me
'Cause I
I must be sleeping

Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All in the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day, and I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I've never said before
I think I'm doing okay
And this is the smile
That I've never shown before

Somebody shake me 'cause I
I must be sleeping


I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me


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