Out of sorts

I've just been out of sorts today... maybe the last couple days...

Craving my introvert time, you know :)

But my roomie has been having a hard week. Girl trouble. So he follows me around the house, wanting/needing to talk. It annoys me, though I'll never say it to him. I just stay in my room if I can't handle human company.

I'm aggravated at myself for procrastinating studying for the A&P test. I knew about it like, a week and a half before the test itself... but I put off studying for it until 6 days before the test. Really? Really? I'm talking about it like it's already happened, but I still have a few days.

And part of me tells myself to chill out, because it's about medical terminology, which I already have a basic grasp of in many ways, so I honestly don't need to study as hard as some people might.

The other perfectionist over achieving part is constantly decrying myself for enjoying my week and letting this slip by. Because, really, I did enjoy my week a lot. I've been very tired, and not feeling well, but I enjoyed myself. Rather than having my nose to the grindstone every second, I did things that I enjoy. I spent time on the internets.

Remember, it's the inexorable grind that got you so sick in the first place, and you're just barely recovering. Do you really wanna do that again?

Balance can be so hard, especially when you're accustomed to self-flagellation.

I'm going to do my best on that test, continue studying, and see what I get.

Maybe I just feel badly for not freaking out about it... for being confident enough in my capabilities that I haven't been studying every second? For having a test under my belt and knowing what I'm going to be up against?

Today, I've been very out of sorts. Very tired and just... drained. All day long. Spent a good chunk of the day over at the house I'm sitting, for the peace and quiet. I spent yesterday over there studying because there were people at the house and I need absolute quiet to study.

And I'm due for my period in less than a week, so this could very well be chalked up to PMS. Fluctuating hormones and all that. (Although I haven't stopped bleeding since my last period. I find that a bit odd, but I guess it's just that "spotting" or "breakthrough bleeding" that is one of the side effects of the pill? I hope that this isn't a part of having a regular menstrual cycle!)

I did find my dress, though. No, not the Rena Koh gown, though I still adore that one. I had to come to grips with the fact that, while all the pretty wedding fairy tale stuff is gorgeous and wonderful, it's just not me. It's not "us". And I don't have the budget for that. Better to stick with what I can afford and what I know I'll love.

The dress that I initially fell head over heels for is not available anywhere for less than $650. There's a beautiful knockoff for $400, but I don't want to spend that much. So, re-scouring the internet and my previous bookmarks led me to an Etsy shop owner who makes a beautiful, quality knockoff for $215 (including shipping and handling), and she's willing to do it in grey organza with ivory lace flowers and a corset lace-up backing (so I can wear it later, no matter if I lose/gain weight). Not to mention the fact that it's made to my measurements, so there'll be no alterations, unlike with a used dress (like the Rena Koh beauty).

I found a neat site today that I was poring over--A Practical Wedding-- and the recurring theme in the posts is that a wedding should be what you need and want it to be. Don't worry about the "shoulds", don't worry about the Pinterest boards and the wedding blogs and the ideas of what a perfect wedding looks like. Don't worry about the Wedding Industry that tries to sell you anything and everything.

I realized that I did it. I got caught up in the glitz and the glamour and the DIY centerpieces and the endless personalized touches... and it's not about that.

It's about enjoying our lives, our days, our moments together. It's about C and I believing that we have a future together, a good one. It's about C and I consciously choosing to hold each other exclusively in that special spot in our hearts. It's about... celebration, and family, and love and definitely not about paper lanterns and strawberry trees and cake frosting.

I like the way this post, In Praise Of The Slow Wedding, puts it. As a matter of fact, I really like this ideal as a summation of the intention I have for my life at this point.

"I believe the same things about weddings. I think we each have a fundamental right to joy at our weddings. I think that joy is about the simple things, and about paying attention to what you have. I believe that it is more important that we work with producers (in this case vendors, or wedding elves) that we respect, and that we treat them fairly and compensate them with a living wage that reflects the fact that this is their life's work. It's more important to me to pay people that I fairly than to make sure I get the best deal. And for us, with the resources we had, that meant picking a few things and doing them well.
We had amazing food.
And with all of that, it was impossible to notice the flaws in my homemade bouquet, the way my dress wrinkled under the bust line because I hadn't sent it off to a professional seamstress,the fact that we had our yichud in a parks & rec bathroom, our ipod play list, our simple cake, or our lack of favors.
So figure out what your doing with your wedding, what simple elements it boils down to, and then do those things well. Take a deep breath, slow down, pay attention. Put care into the things you value, and no one will ever notice the things that you don't have. Or to put it simply: you have what you need.
Fair warning: the site is addicting. Even more so than Offbeat Bride.
Anyway, I guess I just realized that I want to make it my intention to enjoy C and our life and the simple things every step of the way, rather than rushing through it to get to the wedding. The day is coming, and  fairly soon. But I don't want to miss the life in between the events, you know what I mean?

(Yeah, by the way... you don't have to have wedding favors. Who knew?!)

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