The days go by...

It's funny how easily I can swing from one extreme to another.

On Saturday, I was ill. I guess I just pushed it too hard, and my body decided to check out on me. (But, as usual, I don't feel like I was doing enough, and especially not enough to have my body break down on me...) I finally dragged myself out of bed around 8:45 p.m. and took care of the dogs I'm sitting. (Poor things.)

Sunday, though, was a different story. I felt energized, purposeful, and driven.. off and on. I had spurts of funky mood throughout the day, but did my best to ignore that. I scrubbed the kitchen floor and walls and major appliances and cabinet fronts, and felt really good about it. It's been something I've been wanting to do, and it's been under my skin, like an itch. (Much like scrubbing out the shower.)

I took before and after pics of the shower, just to emphasize my point that you really can't have a bunch of guys living by themselves for an extended period of time. They just don't notice that things are dirty and need cleaning. These guys, they just didn't notice that the shower was dirty, and they were shocked to realize that it's supposed to be white. Let's face it-- men need women, if for no other reason than to keep things clean.


 Anyway, that aside, while I was down and out, I spent pretty much all day Stumbling recipes. I have come to the conclusion that I am a closet foodie. Not a food activist, as so many are (I barely have enough energy to concern myself with the things in front of me, much less getting angry with Monsanto and WalMart or whatever), and not a super-dedicated foodie, but... the beginnings are there. And, really, with the way I must eat, who can blame me?

So I got inspired, and I had the most amazing supper yesterday! I had lettuce wraps containing coriander and nutmeg laced lentils, chipotle tahini sauce, a heap of raw veggies (zucchini, bell peppers, green onions, mushrooms), and avocado. I also had a few pieces of a quinoa flatbread that I whipped up. My, oh my, was it ever delicious! I also ground a little smoked sea salt over the top of each wrap. Thought I was in heaven.

Tonight, I intend to make smoked salmon chowder for the guys. That oughta be good :)

I applied for three jobs today, in addition to the three I applied for last week. The best part is that they're all in totally different fields!

I get overwhelmed and slightly resentful when I think about the Healing Journey and the fundraising. Why? Maybe because it reminds me too much of canvassing, maybe because I only wanna give as much as I wanna give, and I don't mind leading the support group, but I didn't ask to be one of E's "pillars". She made me that, and I don't feel like I really had a say in the matter. I mean, I want to be involved, I just... want it to be on my terms? I guess.

I feel like E still has some boundary work to do, as do I, and I'm not sure that it's always healthy, what we've got going on.

I think mostly it's just that I want to run my own life, and a lot of times I feel like the HJ is running my life.

I think that's my issue, though, and not hers. I did set my foot down a few times, and I'm glad for it.

We'll see.

No one ever got strong without conflict and practice.

Tomorrow, I have a filling/root canal. Joy...

I hate to keep asking for money from R. Can I please just provide for myself already??

In less than two weeks, C has vacation and wants to go house hunting. Am I excited? Ridiculously so!!!

School starts in less than a month. I will prove to myself that I can work, go to school, volunteer, and still maintain a social life and a clean house. That is my goal.

I still can't walk away from God. Things are shifting inside of me, and while I haven't gone back to church, I'm still considering and reconsidering my faith. This article spoke to me on a very deep level, especially since the author has just been through something horrific, something totally against the will of God... and still believes in a merciful God. Her explanation is simple, yet profound.

"Let’s get something straight: the theater shooting was an evil, horrendous act done by a man controlled by evil.  God did not take a gun and pull the trigger in a crowded theater. He didn’t even suggest it. A man did.

In His sovereignty, God made man in His image with the ability to choose good and evil.

Unfortunately, sometimes man chooses evil."

I know, I know that people have expressed the same thing to me over and over again... but sometimes it takes that thousandth time, phrased in just the right way, for it to slide into place, you know?

So... I don't know. I don't know what this means. I know that I believe some different things about the Bible than I did when I first started searching and researching. I know that I'm looking for a very different sort of experience than I was before my inner world exploded. I know that I'm a little more cynical now than I was.

But I also know that, if this god is all that those who know him make him out to be, then it's okay, and it'll be okay, and he'll work with that, and eventually... I'll be okay, too.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't just make up the whole thing about being abused and molested and groomed and all of that other stuff... if there's really nothing wrong with me but that I'm a mental and emotional hypochondriac?

Sometimes I wonder if it really affected me at all?

I was thinking last night about how people come to be themselves. I think there's three parts to it-- one: the personality that God created, the "who you are"; two: the inherited traits, the training you receive growing up; three: who you make yourself to be.

Who you're created to be.
Who you're raised to be.
Who you determine to be.

I think those three things combine to make you who you are.

Just a thought.

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