Sick today.

Don't feel much like posting lately. I'm sorta numb, sorta frustrated a little, sorta hopeful and optimistic, sorta running low on emotional reserves, and I'm just not in the mood.

Sick today. Body's finally had enough, I guess. I need to find a doctor, and soon. Maybe it's confirmation that I can't wait until Oct. to see the doctor I've heard so many good things about.

One thought that keeps coming back to re-echo in my mind is... Is it wrong to be on a quest?

Is it wrong to be searching, to not be "there" spiritually? To not have "arrived"? (Of course, how does one get there but by journeying, yes?)

I guess I feel a little like a traitor, since so many had considered me to be "there" already... and now I'm seemingly going off the deep end...

But I don't think it's wrong.

Maybe I'm more inclined towards that postmodern relativism than I had previously thought.

I guess it's just weird, and hard, to try to explain to churchy people (even in my head!) how it is in leaving that I am finding my true path. I'm not wandering blindly, as much as it feels like it. There have been guideposts to mark my way, to steer me into ever deeper challenges to my previous ways of thinking...

Oh, forget it. I don't know how to explain it, after all.

I'll just let them think that I'm lost. Then they can content themselves with praying for my soul while I march ever farther into the distance...

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