So I had my first real conversation with my real dad today.
Wowza.
I can't even begin to process through it all right now, because it's a lot, and there are a ton of attendant emotions, but I can say a few things right now...
1. He and C (his wife) aren't going to be able to come to the wedding. I cried after I got off the phone, because I'm super disappointed. What is touching, though, is that they tried everything they could to be able to work it so they could come, but finances are just too constraining right now. Mer :( It hit me hard, because in the past 3 days I've heard that both of my best friends are not able to come, C and D aren't able to come (because of D's cancer) so I've lost a set of parents, and now T and C can't come. J and K are thinking they'll be able to come but it's still not set in stone and if they don't make it down then H won't be able to swing it financially on her own, so I'll lose my wedding coordinator. Good Lord. I was crying because not only am I sad about T and C not coming, but it feels like all the people I care about just aren't able to be there-- is anyone going to be able to come? Is there a point in having a ceremony at all?! *Sigh* I'll get past this, I know I'm just grieving, and it'll be okay.
2. We are freakily similar in little, odd ways... and some bigger ways. Even if we didn't look alike, which we do, I would not question his paternity after this convo.
3. It was really good. I just... yeah. A ton of emotions. I can't even begin to sort through them right now. But I'm just really happy. I was really apprehensive, unsure of what to expect, but I like him. I really do. He's good people :) And I think that we can definitely have a good friendship from here on out.
4. I was really touched that he would make the move to contact me, to own up to his fear and overcome it for the sake of building a relationship. For a long time I've questioned if he cared at all, but I know now that he does... not only because this was a huge step for him, but also because he choked up and even cried several times during the conversation, as did I. Like... I just really felt like he cared about me, and that in and of itself is enough to bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I didn't realize that there was a hole inside of me where a father's care should be, and that I was missing it or that it would mean anything to me to know that he cares, but... I dunno. It just twists something inside me that feels soft and a little bit sore... like a pulled muscle, almost, but on an emotional level. I didn't know that it was there until it got tweaked. But it feels good. It feels really good. And strange... but good. I know that R cares and loves me as his own, but something is different, knowing that it's the person who contributed to my creation, you know? Sure, R chose our family, but T made me!
5. I gave him my blog link... so he might be reading this now. Hi, dad! (Hah! Feels weird to type that! lol) Smile-- you're on candid camera ;)
6. He's funny. I genuinely like the guy. Even if he weren't related to me, I would totally choose him as a friend. He kind of defers the idea, but I think he's good people. I'm looking forward to getting to know him and C better. And I really want to go visit them sometime in the near future, definitely within the next 5 years at most. I wasn't sure about visiting him back when I was all uber Christian, because I knew that our lifestyles totally wouldn't mesh and I wasn't sure how uncomfortable and awkward it would be, but now that I'm out of my Judgy McJudgerson phase I think that it'll be fine. Maybe I'll make a visit out to see him one of the Adventures that C promised to take me on! :)
So, yeah. T and I are gonna get to know each other, baby steps at a time. I'm genuinely excited about this, though I know it's gonna bring up a ton of stuff for me to work through, and it's not all going to be pleasant. I am sure, though, that once the dust settles, I will be so much the healthier for it.
And that, my friends, is all. I have to take a test for my online class before other stuff happens... and if this past week is any indicator, I need to be on my toes.
Wowza.
I can't even begin to process through it all right now, because it's a lot, and there are a ton of attendant emotions, but I can say a few things right now...
1. He and C (his wife) aren't going to be able to come to the wedding. I cried after I got off the phone, because I'm super disappointed. What is touching, though, is that they tried everything they could to be able to work it so they could come, but finances are just too constraining right now. Mer :( It hit me hard, because in the past 3 days I've heard that both of my best friends are not able to come, C and D aren't able to come (because of D's cancer) so I've lost a set of parents, and now T and C can't come. J and K are thinking they'll be able to come but it's still not set in stone and if they don't make it down then H won't be able to swing it financially on her own, so I'll lose my wedding coordinator. Good Lord. I was crying because not only am I sad about T and C not coming, but it feels like all the people I care about just aren't able to be there-- is anyone going to be able to come? Is there a point in having a ceremony at all?! *Sigh* I'll get past this, I know I'm just grieving, and it'll be okay.
2. We are freakily similar in little, odd ways... and some bigger ways. Even if we didn't look alike, which we do, I would not question his paternity after this convo.
3. It was really good. I just... yeah. A ton of emotions. I can't even begin to sort through them right now. But I'm just really happy. I was really apprehensive, unsure of what to expect, but I like him. I really do. He's good people :) And I think that we can definitely have a good friendship from here on out.
4. I was really touched that he would make the move to contact me, to own up to his fear and overcome it for the sake of building a relationship. For a long time I've questioned if he cared at all, but I know now that he does... not only because this was a huge step for him, but also because he choked up and even cried several times during the conversation, as did I. Like... I just really felt like he cared about me, and that in and of itself is enough to bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I didn't realize that there was a hole inside of me where a father's care should be, and that I was missing it or that it would mean anything to me to know that he cares, but... I dunno. It just twists something inside me that feels soft and a little bit sore... like a pulled muscle, almost, but on an emotional level. I didn't know that it was there until it got tweaked. But it feels good. It feels really good. And strange... but good. I know that R cares and loves me as his own, but something is different, knowing that it's the person who contributed to my creation, you know? Sure, R chose our family, but T made me!
5. I gave him my blog link... so he might be reading this now. Hi, dad! (Hah! Feels weird to type that! lol) Smile-- you're on candid camera ;)
6. He's funny. I genuinely like the guy. Even if he weren't related to me, I would totally choose him as a friend. He kind of defers the idea, but I think he's good people. I'm looking forward to getting to know him and C better. And I really want to go visit them sometime in the near future, definitely within the next 5 years at most. I wasn't sure about visiting him back when I was all uber Christian, because I knew that our lifestyles totally wouldn't mesh and I wasn't sure how uncomfortable and awkward it would be, but now that I'm out of my Judgy McJudgerson phase I think that it'll be fine. Maybe I'll make a visit out to see him one of the Adventures that C promised to take me on! :)
So, yeah. T and I are gonna get to know each other, baby steps at a time. I'm genuinely excited about this, though I know it's gonna bring up a ton of stuff for me to work through, and it's not all going to be pleasant. I am sure, though, that once the dust settles, I will be so much the healthier for it.
And that, my friends, is all. I have to take a test for my online class before other stuff happens... and if this past week is any indicator, I need to be on my toes.
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