Should vs. shouldn't

I'm excited-- I was able to purchase a large heating pad off of Amazon tonight that has the option of also being a moist heat pad! It was fairly inexpensive, with many good reviews, so I went for it. No more of this hot water bottle that I have to get up and reheat every twenty minutes and shift around to different achy spots. Now I can use the heating pad and the water bottle, if I so please. Also, it's a "king size", which means that it will cover most of my back with ease, not to mention that it has variable heat options. *sigh* I'm just so happy!

The best part is that I have some extra money stashed away to be able to treat myself in this way :) I realized that I have like, 60 bucks in my bank account that has no purpose assigned to it-- just "savings". (That has not happened in a very, very long time!) I have the temptation to spend it, simply because I'm not used to having money to spend ^_^ I won't give in to it, though. I'm more practical than that. I'm going to scoot on down to Jiffy Lube and get myself an oil change and inspection. My car is very valuable to me, and I confess that I haven't been very attentive to it... It's so sturdy, it just kinda keeps going no matter what, and I don't want to take that for granted.

And this week, I'll be able to sock away a few more dollars from my allowance, which is nice.

Health-wise, it's been a bit rocky. I didn't have to use my walker today while I was out and about, but I was battling "fibro fever". I have begun experiencing this phenomenon recently, but it wasn't until I saw someone else refer to it on a fb fibro support page that I realized it is something other fibro-fighters experience. Basically, it's like I'm feverish... but with no fever. I feel achy, my skin is sensitive, and I have intense chills. Not only do I get the chills, but it's like I'm constantly hot and cold at the same time. I put on a blanket because I have goosebumps, yet at the same time I'm sweltering. Weird. I had it bad during the period when I was unable to get my painkillers, and I had it today. Fortunately, the meds kept the worst of it at bay, though they did not touch the brain fog or the incredible fatigue.

My guts are still bleeding. Bummer. And I had to resort to cleaning out my colon again a couple of times. But, on the bright side, I've got my upper endoscopy scheduled for a week and some change hence! (Bright side, you say? What's so bright about that? lol)

I'm still learning to be kind to myself and not "push" as hard.

I had been making progress on the pain meds, being able to go up to 6 hours between pills on some days, which was very exciting for me! Yesterday and today, however, the time period got cut in half, roughly... and it was hard for me to accept that. My pride wanted to wait the extra three hours, though my body was telling me that I had better take that pill if I wanted to be able to walk or sleep.

And it's still hard for me to look at days like today, which was a mostly "resting" day (to me), and see it as time legitimately spent.

I feel lazy, y'all. I feel impaired.

I know it's not so, but when I can't do things, or when I have to so significantly alter the amount of things that I can do in one day, well... it just messes with my head.

I hate having to explain myself to people. I think I'm just gonna stop.

I hate feeling like maybe I'm not doing my best after all... like all this is just because I'm not trying hard enough... maybe there really is something wrong with me because I'm "so young, and shouldn't have to be on all those meds" and "shouldn't need a walker" and shouldn't this and shouldn't that.

You know what?

Fuck that noise.

Shouldn'ts are just as bad as shoulds.

I think the Should Monster just put on another mask to get to me. Because, really? Shouldn't just leads right to should. If you shouldn't do one thing, then obviously you should do another.

So if I shouldn't need a walker, then I should be walking without assistance.

If I shouldn't need to take all those meds, then I should be able to get along without them. I should be able to make it work.

I should be healthy.

That's what it all boils down to. This message that somehow I am not what I "should" somehow inherently be.

And they're right, in a sense. I don't like living in a world where toddlers die of terminal diseases. It shouldn't happen. It's not right. It's not fair.

But the fact that they are sick at such a young age reflects not a whit on their value as a human being, or their ability to live life to its fullest, or what have you. It doesn't mean anything other than that they were unlucky, and they have a harsh battle to fight.

So I'm unlucky. Deal with it. But it's not my damn fault that I'm sick, and it's not my fault that it happened while I'm young.

Would it be better if I waited until I was 80 to get sick? Would you prefer that my body is worn out before I try to fight this battle? Does that somehow make it "fair"? Does that make it better?

Who says old people "should" have walkers and "should" be on all kinds of meds either?

Being sick sucks, no matter your age.

By the way, you know what else really grated on me this weekend? I realized that one of the reasons I was so annoyed about the attention my walker got was that not a single person out of that whole huge crowd said a word about how awesomely I had decorated it. Its presence was practically offensive, even though it is beautiful. I mean, it's like a mobile piece of art, but did anyone notice? No. It was just "Oh, you have a walker. What's wrong with you?"

I would have like to have heard, "Oh, you have a walker. Wow, you really made it look cool!" Or something to that effect. I've gotten several compliments on the Bling Chariot, and fun conversations when I'm in medical settings. Maybe it's cause they're used to seeing people with problems, and the average person isn't. But, still... acknowledge my effort, people!

I'm trying to make the best of this in all aspects, and I feel like I'm just getting cut down left and right by people outside of my support system. Why is that?

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just hypersensitive or something.

Maybe it's 'cause it's late and I need to be sleeping.

Yeah, that's probably it. (But I've been thinking about that last walker bit since yesterday, so I know that's legit! lol)

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