Slice of life and marriage ponderances

Well, life's gone and taken a turn for the better again. I love how it does that. I think the meds have something to do with it...

My goal with these painkillers is not to be pain-free, but rather to keep the pain at a level 4.5 or below so that I can function. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because it's so easy to slip into "let's take another" mode. I can't afford to do that, though, because I really really really don't want to become tolerant to the only thing that helps me out at all.

I've been eating quesadillas pretty frequently lately... ("Pretty frequently" being relative to how many quesadillas I've had in recent years, which is a big fat none!) I think it's 'cause my body is craving protein, but it just can't digest it. Beans, nuts, meat... nothing. It just sits there. Blech. But even though cheese does slow down my digestive processes some, it actually digests, so I figure it can't be all that bad for me right now. Quesadillas and applesauce-- one of my favorite meals right now. (Uh, the applesauce doesn't go on the quesadilla, just in case you're wondering...) I have an appointment with my gastroenterologist next week, so we can discuss my results. I'll have to tell him that, even though my colon is looking great (and I'm SO excited about that!), I'm still having the same problems. We'll see what he says.

I'm being good and sticking to my "one thing a day" rule, and I am noticing no difference at all. lol. Even though I don't feel like I'm getting better, I do see that it's helping me to stabilize. When I'm more conscious and aware of picking and choosing what I get to do, I don't get (as) caught up in the whirlwind of things I want to accomplish and totally burn myself out. I can feel myself wearing down and catch it. I took a nap the past two days (back to that again), and it felt great, especially since I've been really having sleep problems lately.

Did I mention that I'm a tutor now? A friend of mine from school will be coming over a couple of times a week and I'm helping her with her online English course. Funnily enough, it's the English course that I dropped last semester because I had too much on my plate! So I guess I get to take it again ^_^ She paid me a small sum for the first session, and she's coming back tomorrow. I don't care if she pays me, although it's a nice addition to the gas tank if she does. The last session was very tiring, but that could also be because I'd been talking to R for an hour and a half before she showed up.

It was really good to talk to R. I miss him. He gives some of the best advice... but it's not in the form of "here, let me tell you what to do". It's more like talking through the issues and sharing anecdotes from his past and the lessons that he's learned, and also, his concern and care are practically palpable. I talked to him about my marriage fears, and the ideas and examples that he shared with me really helped to ease my mind and heart a lot. I really feel like I can go through with this wedding without feeling like a hypocrite now. (Because I wasn't sure that it was fair of me to get married while still so terrified of the notion, you know? Like, does it even count?) And no, it's not that I'm fearful of marrying C, it's that I'm fearful of what marriage will do to our wonderful relationship, fearful that it will change it for the worse and turn us into one of those couples that doesn't even like each other and doesn't want to be together but won't separate because they don't believe in it... just living separate lives, or fighting and undermining each other...

But I digress. R explained how marriage does change things, and it takes work, and there are ups and downs and you don't always feel happy and necessarily want to be around that person... but the thing is that you chose them, and you love them, and you really do want to be around that person, forever. It's like the long-term, big-picture things weigh in above the short-term, immediate circumstance things and you hang in there through the rough times because you love that person and you want to make a life together. That's what I got out of it, anyway... that even when it's rough, it's still enough to know that you want to be with that person and you love them. And really, I understand that, because C and I have had quite a good share of "rough" already, what with the rocky beginning and my PTSD flares and all the adjustment that comes with living together, and now my fibro and other health problems... We can do rough. Even if I'm crying every night, which I've done during certain stretches. But see, the thing is... it's never about not wanting to be with C. It's about what's going on around or inside me, it's about money or my past or my fears or what someone said or how I feel about a certain thing C is doing or has done... but it's never about un-choosing him. So I think I get it, a little. Maybe not entirely, but I get it, some.

R and I also talked about what's going on with that whole DV thing that went down a while ago. It's cool to see that he fully admits that he made mistakes that night, and that he went overboard, but I do agree with him when he says that he's not domestically violent. I overreacted to the situation too, and hurt him very much, which I regret. None of us can take back what happened, but he's really getting the crappy end of the stick. His retirement is in danger, all this crazy stuff is going on... but he is determined to "take his lumps", as he put it, and just slog through this mess the best he can. I'm proud of him. I'm also really proud of him for the steps forward he's taking in managing his anger. He actually consciously processed through why he was angry the other day, and made the decision to let it go because he didn't want to ruin the day/evening for everyone else. That is so mature. I've never heard him do anything like that before, and I'm really impressed. Not to say that it's going to happen every time, of course, because really? Let's be real. One step forward, two steps back. That's how this stuff goes down, and R is a human being who is learning and growing. But he is stepping forward, and what's more, he wants to be stepping forward. If that isn't worthy of respect, I don't know what is. I'm so proud of my daddy :)

Today was a great day, in and of itself. C and I hit the shooting range mid-afternoon, because pistol qualifications are coming up and he needs to practice. We'll be heading out there next week, too. I took my homework and did some reading in between picking up his empty shells to be refilled. We would have stayed longer, but C ran out of ammo, so there really wasn't much we could do but pack up and leave. When we got home, we decided to watch some Star Wars, as I'm currently watching my way through the series. Since we need to do our own music after all, we have now settled on the Imperial March as our exit song :) Seriously, if our marriage has half of the tenacity and determination of Vader and the Imperial forces, nothing can stop us. I see it as a good omen.

While getting ice cream, we (mostly I, as C was occupied with choosing his ice cream flavors and paying for our treats) met a young couple our age who share some of our unique interests and hobbies! It's funny how it all worked out, but it started when the guy, J, commented that he liked my choker. (I was wearing the collar that I recently purchased.) That led to a discussion about Renaissance festivals, and it turns out that they're Rennies, too! They're heading up to the Ren Faire soon that C and I will be visiting the week before our wedding. As the convo progressed, we found out that we were similar ages, newlyweds both (C and I are due in 6 weeks, and they've been married 4 months), and--get this-- he's a gamer like C. He plays the same games, but his wife, C, is like me and mostly watches.

I gave the card of the leatherworker who made my collar to J (yes, another J to add to my blog! lol) and ended up writing my email and fb info on the back so we can get together and hang out. They're pretty new to the area and looking for friends, and I'm looking to expand my social circle as well. We really hit it off in the short time that we talked, and I'm looking forward to hearing from them. J said several times (and his C affirmed it) that "we'll definitely hit you guys up soon!" I'm excited :D

What's crazy about the whole thing is all the little bits and pieces that had to come together just so in order for us to meet this couple. First of all, I'm surprised that I had the leatherworker's card in the first place. I usually don't get or keep business cards. Secondly, I was only wearing the collar because I was wearing a particular dress that I like to wear the collar with (though I only put it on to go out, and wasn't wearing it around the house today), but I was only wearing the dress because of a comment C made last night that led to my wearing it today. If I hadn't been wearing the dress that led to the collar, or the collar that I debated about putting on before we left the house, the conversation never would have begun in the first place.

Okay, so then there's timing. We were going to go to Target right after we finished our movie (and there's the whole thing about what if we'd stayed at the range longer, what if we hadn't watched the whole movie, what if this, what if that, etc.), but we got a bit... distracted... by each other and didn't leave for a little while longer. So then the shopping and browsing all took place, but if I'd spend less or more time at any of those stores, we would have missed them. If the frozen yogurt place had been open, we wouldn't have gone to Coldstone, and we missed the closing time by just 7 minutes.

It's really crazy how all those little things worked together so that we would be standing next to each other in line and I would be wearing a conversation piece that appealed to all involved. Crazy, I tell you. Even if nothing ever comes of this, if no friendship ensues, the event itself was so cool that it just makes me happy to think about it. Plus it was really fun, 'cause they're great people! We had a blast chatting it up. I really do hope that we can become friends. (Plus I feel super adult, making friends with another couple, you know?)

I wrapped up my day by drinking mint tea to soothe my roiling tummy and filing my taxes. Not a bad ending to a good day, especially since I'm getting a decent sized refund. It's enough to pay off the bulk of my credit card debt, and I'm very, very pleased about that. I hate being in debt, even if it's totally legitimate debt.

I think I might be able to take another whack at my homework before turning in for the night. Think I'll go read my chapter on the bed while I listen to C hack apart monsters in Guild Wars. That sounds pleasant :)

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