"Later that day..."

My boss gave me the week off, which I'm grateful for. I feel, oh, what's the word... abysmal?

Yeah, that's about right.

Everything aches, and I'm out of pain meds. The prescription is being filled, but ohhhhhh... I need them nowwwww!

Okay, done whining.

C encouraged me last night not to be discouraged. I'm just in a down slump with my health right now, and I'll figure things out and start climbing again. I'm just freaking out because I was doing so good and now I'm not, and the contrast is startling. But, I'll get back to "good" again.

He's right. I love how he encourages me and supports me, yet listens and affirms what I'm feeling.

It's so good to be home, back with my soul's mate.


Later that day....

C: "How you feelin', lady?"

Me: "I feel a little better after napping with you, but... well, you know Clifford the Big Red Dog? It feels like he stepped on me, rolled around on me for a while, ate me, then shat me out the other end."

C: "...It's interesting that you would use a children's cartoon as your analogy."

Me: "Well, I was going to use a train, but trains don't eat people."

Did I mention that I seriously love this man? We have crazy conversations like that all the time.

We got a list from our realtor of houses that fit our criteria yesterday morning, and sent her back the three houses we wanted to look at last night. This morning she called me to let me know that all three have accepted offers and are under contract! I mean, I'm happy for the people that got 'em, but really?

Well, just after C left for work, I got another listing in my inbox, so I called him up and then called the realtor, and we'll check it out tomorrow morning. C has been loosening his standards on his criteria for a house, coming to grips with the reality that the first house we buy probably won't be the one we live in forever. It just needs to be good enough to serve our needs for the better part of a decade or so. *Optimistic*

I'm not leaving bed today, I don't think. I had a mental pity party earlier, then kicked that to the curb. Now I'm just accepting what is, taking it day by day...

I just received a phone call from one of the other ladies that works with HJ, and she wants me to come in and talk to her class of troubled teens. I'm totally honored! I don't think I'm going to tell my story from the tack of being abused exclusively, though I know for a fact that a couple of the kids were molested, but I will be bringing it up. I think I'll just tell about my life and how I was a troubled teen of sorts, and how I understand that this kind of stuff they're going through and doing doesn't come from a vacuum. It had to start somewhere, and I bet it's a crappy home life. Anyway, I'll talk about the lessons I've learned about overcoming the handicaps that I received from my bad home life--- boundaries, healthy relationships, forgiving and accepting yourself, etc. The teacher said that they're totally open and they receive what she says, so hopefully I'll be able to encourage some of these kids and help get their feet set on a better path, you know?


Later that day....

I decided to attempt to do something today.

The shower liner has gotten progressively slimier, which totally grosses me out.  I just have never had the gumption or the energy to do anything about it, because it would involve taking it down, laying it out somewhere (where do I have the floor space for that?!), wiping it down and letting it dry, and then hanging it back up again. That's a lot of work for one little chore.

Today, though,  I'm just irked and irritated by anything messy (which is a shame, because I'm helpless to do anything about it right now-- actually, that's probably why it's so irritating!), and while I hunkered under the deluge of hot water in the shower, I made up my mind that I would deal with the slimy liner no more! After drying off and dressing, I took down the liner and old curtain and replaced it with a new curtain I scored for super-cheap recently (because of some flaws with the printing of the design). I laid the old curtain and liner outside on a chair to dry while I wiped down the mirrors and countertop of the bathroom. By this time, I knew I was done.

However, I decided to check if the guys had thrown out the trash bag I left outside the front door. There was some meat spoiling in the fridge, and I didn't have the strength or energy to take it out to the dumpster myself, so I figured if I left it by the front door someone would see it and take it out, right?


It was still there, but the bag now sported holes where some critter had gotten a free meal on us, and there were rib bones and spoiled meat juices spread all over the walkway in front of our door. Gross. Seriously gross.

So I had to deal with that, and then I pretty much collapsed into bed, whimpering to myself because I felt so terrible.

You know how when you're sick, really sick, you want your mommy? Or anyone, really? You just want someone to come take care of you because it's almost too much of an effort to take care of yourself. That's where I was. The reality that most of the people I care about deeply that would take care of me are too far away to do so (or at work, in C's case) sank in, and I just started to cry.

Why am I so sick? I don't want to feel like this anymore, God! What am I doing wrong?? I mean, I'm doing my best, but I just seem to be getting worse and worse and it's like there's nothing I can do to stop it! What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get better? I don't even have a specific "enemy" to fight! This is all so vague... Why am I so siiiiick, God?!

And so forth.

So I texted J, and she called me, and... it was good. The conversation didn't last long, but she let me cry, and she abruptly cut off my apologies for calling her to cry, which was awesome :)

It lifted my mood so much, just knowing that I can reach out and there are people there that care about me, even if they can't be there physically to care for me when I'm feeling rotten. I also watched my "jam", the "Stronger" Cancer Music Video that always encourages me to keep going. It's funny how different phrases buoy me at different times; this time, it was, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger/ Stand a little taller/ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone..."

Just 'cause I'm alone here in my apartment doesn't mean that I'm truly alone, and that feels good.

(I actually thought about calling my dad, T, because he did say that if I ever needed anyone to talk to that I could call him... but then I thought that maybe it'd be better for our budding friendship if our second conversation ever didn't involve my sobbing and falling apart with discouragement over health problems. Yeah. Probably. lol)

So, to while away my day in bed, I've been browsing Etsy for jewelry. (Wedding rings, specifically... trying to see if I can find anything more breathtaking than the ring I found up north, and so far? Nothin. I've found some really neat things, though.)

I love jewelry. Necklaces, rings, earrings... bracelets are very cool, but I don't wear them. They kinda annoy me. But there's something about the sheen of silver and the cool depths of gemstones that just gets me. Maybe it's because I love beautiful things, I dunno. One good thing about my forfeiting the SDA church, though, is that I no longer feel guilty for liking jewelry. I can window-shop to my heart's content :) (Because let's be honest... there's no way I can afford the stuff I see on Etsy, and we all know how guilty I feel when I spend money on non-essentials.)

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