Delirium never lasts.

I was deliriously happy. I'm better now, but I was in absolute agony earlier.

You know, it's funny... just when I thought I couldn't possibly be more broken and wounded... I realize that I am. It seems that there are no end to the dark corners and twists of my soul.

Srsly? Will I EVER be whole? EVER?!

It's like I've been walking around with these vicious, inflamed, oozing wounds for years, but I didn't feel the pain, because I kept myself drugged and anesthetized. In addition to that, I had bandages covering the sores. They didn't heal, but they didn't hurt... all they did was snake their infectious tendrils down to the bone and compromise my entire system.

So, now I've taken away the drugs. I'm off the anesthesia. I'm peeling off the crusty bandages so that the wounds can heal. (And of course, when I say "I", it's really Jesus and me doin' it together... in no way would I ever have the guts or the strength to do this by myself.) But now, I'm walking around with these open wounds, and people are bumping in to them. It HURTS! Every bump sends me into fresh paroxysms of pain that last for an indefinite period of time.

Basically, this sucks. I hate it. But I guess it's a necessary step in the process. After all, if we never felt pain, would we ever seek healing? It's when the pain gets too much to bear that you start looking for a cure... or something to dull it.

I called J to pray with me, and she did, and it was good. It helped me focus and get some perspective again. I'm not losing my religion. I'm not less saved. But I'm discovering a previously un-illuminated corner of my soul that needs to be brought to light... with all the mutilated corpses and skeletons that entails.

Entails. Entrails. Emotionally, it feels like vivisection. Yes. It does. But I promised Yah, I will go through this if you hold my hand.

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