So I came across a verse this morning... Psalm 56:11. It says, "In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid of what man (or the adversary) can do to me." (I added that obvious addition.)
And when I read that, it's like, Yeah! Okay! Trust God and everything will be peachy! I mean, I'll be able to take anything that comes my way!
My mind, of course, immediately drifted to the circumstances at hand. Mom is in the hospital, and that stresses me out. Especially because Larry just died (so suddenly, when he was allegedly healthier than ever before), so it's ultra-scary to have Mom be this sick. I have pretty much been stripped of any illusions of control I ever had. So, with that in mind, I'm like, "Okay, yeah. I'll put my trust in God, and then I won't be afraid any more!"
Then it occurred to me... what is trust?
Seriously.
According to Webster, it's a firm belief in the reliability (of God- he won't let me down!), the truth (of God- he is not trying to trick me), the ability (of God- he can do it!), or strength (of God- he's way bigger than my mind gives him credit for) of someone or something.
The hard part about abuse and dysfunction is that it violates the very core of this idea of trust. Reliability? No. You never know which way the pendulum is gonna swing... whether they'll care about you or themselves at the moment. Truth? Hah. Abuse breeds secrecy. The truth ruins everything, or so you perceive. Ability? Ability to what? Not applicable. Next. Strength. Yes, there's strength involved, but you don't have it, and it's being used against you. Bummer.
So trusting God... it's believing that he is all these things, and that he'll demonstrate them in his dealings with me? That sounds good. Sounds spiritual, too. But is it the right conclusion?
To me, trust sounds like kind of a passive thing. Like, yeah, I trust you, do whatever you want. Meh. But then there's also stuff like the "trust fall". You know the one.
You're thinking, "Are they going to drop me? Are they strong enough to hold up the force of my weight combined with gravity? Do they even want to catch me? Oh. What if they don't want to catch me? What if I hit the ground?! That's going to hurt! I don't want to do this." (At least, that's what I'm thinking when I have to do stuff like that!)
It's kind of a blend between passive an action. You have to make the decision and lean back, but then you just kind of let gravity have its fun while silently freaking out.
I think I'm going to take this to youth group tonight and ask for the group's input. (How funny. I spelled it "imput" and the spell checker marked it as wrong, yet that is the way I pronounce it when I speak it. Guess I'm doin' it wrong.)
I guess my question boils down to these few things:
1. How does one concretely express trust?
There are more, but I gotta go to racquetball now.
0 thoughts: