I hate money.

I'll get to that in a second.

I made it home safely (clearly). While I was waiting for my ride at the airport, I pulled out my guitar and started playing. By the time I left (about half an hour later), I had a small crowd gathered! It was rather funny. One guy told me, "I hope your ride takes a long, long time." LOL!

Juneaux wasn't as excited to see me as I thought he'd be. Instead of:

it was more like, "Oh. You're home. Well it's about time."

He definitely still knows me, but he's not as lovey-dovey as he was. Perhaps that will come with time...

Anyway, I hate money. Rather, I hate what it does to your mind. 

I just found out that my church is re-contracting with me to clean the church (they think I do a really good job!), but  they have chosen not to keep me on as a youth worker. So, here's the timeline:

I come to Idaho as a Bible worker. I make twelve hundred a month. I'm able to sock away two to three hundred a month in savings (which came in handy!), or pay several hundred towards my SOULS bill. I alternated between the two.

Then, I quit Bible work and became the youth worker/janitor/radio personality. I now get five hundred a month. It's tight, but I'm still squeaking by. I've had to dip into my savings a few times, and I'm definitely not putting any away, but I'm still managing to make some payments on my SOULS bill, along with helping out the S's with food money.

Now, I'm a janitor for a little over one hundred a month, plus they're no longer covering my gas to and from like they were before. (It's an hour round-trip. Thank you, Lord, that you didn't let me get a vehicle with less mpg!!!) 

So, I'm feeling uncomfortable because of the finance situation. I'll still be working for B, so I'll probably  be netting somewhere around three hundred a month, total. Almost one hundred of that will go to tithe, offering, and SOULS bill. That leaves me two hundred for gas, food, and anything else I need. Cripes.

I mean, I know that I could go out and get another job, but for 4 months? That's rather ridiculous. I really enjoy the schedule control that I have now, especially with my doctor's appointments, counseling sessions, and therapy days. I can kiss all that goodbye to some degree if I get a "real" job.

I'm thinking that the reason they decided to scrap the youth worker position is one of a few options:

- the jewelry nazi got to them and convinced them I'm a bad person and not able to have a position of influence and responsibility

-they can't afford it (after all, we are putting in new carpet soon)

-the new pastor and his wife are so youth-oriented that they don't need my position anymore

Could be a combination of all three. Who knows? I'd like to talk to a couple of the elders about it and see what actually went down at the board meeting.

Anyway, I just need to focus on the positive. I am sure, absolutely sure, that Yahweh is still the leading, guiding authority for the goings-on in my life, so this must be a part of it. There are a few things that I'm really bummed about with this situation, though...

I'm going to have to cut down on my driving (which means goodbye youth activities besides racquetball), which means being even more house-bound than I already am. I am in no way going to be able to do CLEP classes this spring unless I take out a loan of some sort. I may or may not get to visit Arizona this spring, which really crushes my heart. I had my hopes set on that. Unless I get financial help form somewhere, it's not gonna happen.

Sigh. Why is money so all-fired important, anyway? Who needs it? (Well... I do.)

I choose to view this as an exercise in trust, as something good... as a blessing, rather than a bitter disappointment/curse.

Here are the good things I see!

-I have time to focus on the remainder of my counseling/Celebrate Recovery

-I'll be able to help out on the farm more (I was so hoping to be around more in spring!)

-I'll be able to focus on school (CLEPing. I'm determined.)

-I'll be able and more motivated to keep a closer eye on my finances. No more waste, only what is vitally necessary.

Yes, there are good things. Another good thing--I am back on insurance! Whoopee!  And it couldn't have come at a better time :)

You know, I am really grateful for my family. If it weren't for my grampa and my dad paying for my car stuff and my cell phone, I'd really be in deep water. It's one of the ways they show that they love me.

I'm glad I went home for Christmas. Mom gave me a ring that she said was "so me", and I hardly take it off. It's like a tangible reminder of her love, and I want to keep it on my finger always... no matter what other people say.